Friday, January 26, 2007

damnation

What the hell is wrong with people nowadays? Must there ill intentions behind every action? What do you want me to do? Explain to you what I really meant and that your judgement is wrong? Sorry, I've no energy to.

Band. I hate band. The thought of it makes me puke. I miss SNSB. I really don't understand those people who wants to join the CJC band. The conductor is one million times worse than Ms Sia. I feel totally away from the band. I don't feel part of the band. I want to go back to CANOE! Can you just let me go!!!!!! Whenever I'm in band, I've got this constipated feeling, pressing down on me, it feels like as if I can't breathe. I look at the notes, I just simply feel drained to play anything at all. I felt like escaping. I'm caught up in a cage.
Wednesday, band practice. I went. I freaking don't care how well I play the damn instrument anymore. I don't care. I don't care if the tuba section is the worst section ever. I don't care. I DON'T CARE!
During combined, I thought of what I could have been doing with my canoe friends, training, pushing each other on. Persevering. I started to tear. I know, I have to persevere in band too. I feel so alone there. Look at all the band enthusiasts blowing with all their might. I was one of them in SNSB. Things are so different.
And well, the damn conductor humiliated me in front of the whole band. He even asked me to keep my innocence and not to be so deceiving. Crazy moron. I smiply just stared at him. I had the good mind to stand up and leave. Since I'm so freaking useless, LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Pe! We went up and down the grandstand 20 times! Insanity. We girls will have thunder thighs soon. :( After which, 2 rounds round the track. Half way through, leg cramp! Again! I grabbed my calf and sat on the track. Thank goodness ian and the pe teacher helped me stretch my calf. It sucks having leg cramps! The teacher asked me to drink a glass of water with salt every night before I sleep. Hm.

Well, on a better note, at least I really really really love my class, 1T05. Haha. I've not laughed so much since primary school. Hahaha. Balls, Century eggs. Goodness! Ha. All of you people just make my day, everyday. (:

Monday, January 22, 2007

laughing out loud

School's fine. Seeing my classmates just makes me laugh. Ha. During pe, we were playing handball. Randall(as usual) and Mark, were simply hilarious.
Oh sheesh. I can start laughing here right in front of the computer.
They were so dramatic.
Xinya: Whenever I turn around, I see your mouth wide open.
Bharathi: You were laughing non-stop!
Okay, at least laughing makes me happy.

I'm a complete nut at comprehending poems, goodness. I fell asleep during chinese lesson and was half asleep during geog tutorial. Which reminds me, binomial theorem beckons.
I really thank God for placing friends who are ever so patient with me, in my life. Without them, my amaths and emaths in secondary school would have been a total failure. Now, Lauren patiently explains to me while I start scratching my head like crazy trying to solve the sum.
I can almost hear belinda snapping at me," YILING!!!!! Will you stop scratching!!!!!!" Followed by ling's laughter. Haha. Things that I miss.

Melissa! Pearlyn! My two dearies! Can we meet up please?
It has been ages since we spent quality time together! It has been ages since we sang at the top of our voices, crap for hours, had sleep-overs, played monopoly(heh), played mahjong...!
And of course, listen to my whinings! :D Hahaha.
Hm. We all seem so busy eh.

Cca! When will this dumb matter resolve? Like what wenrui said, we can't have our way all the time. Alright. Am I suppose to succumb to the fact that I have to stay in band and blow the tuba?
Anyhow, Olevel results coming out 5th Feb. Or so I heard.
I am worried. I am.

Never mind, keep laughing. It keeps me going.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

jaded

Hey my friends, I will be there whenever you need me. No matter how uncomfortable they make you feel.. I am still there, with you. I want to be there for you. Yes. Don't give up on them too.

-

Talk about being tired. Friday was the ultimate.
Mass pe in the morning. Ran 2.7km, did 60 push-ups("there is only one kind of push-ups, no girls push-ups!", the teacher yelled.), and I lost count of the crunches, sit-ups and jumping jacks. Thank goodness no burpies.
"Are you ready?" "Ever ready!"
"How are you feeling?" "Wonderful!"
"How many more?" "Many many more!"
The teacher made us shout that in unison, so many times. It sounds really funny thou, with all of us sounding like we're going to die any moment. Can't wait for cross country! Almost the entire class signed up for competitive running! which is 4km for girls or something and 5.2km for guys!
Canoe training! MacRitchie. Ran 5.2km. It really amuses me when we girls do pull-ups. hahahah. 2 others will hold us by our legs and push us up. Really felt like we were flying up and down while the guys were pulling with all their might. Hahaha.
Everyone got a chance to have a go at the canoe. We girls didn't capsize! It was really fun. Can't wait to do my one-star! That's if I got the chance. ahaha.
Was seriously drained of all my energy. Went for cell group. My eyes were half close. Couldn't think properly. My brain felt like it had stopped functioning.
Finally got home after like one million hours. I still remember vividly, my mother talking to me and I had to summon all my remaining strength to answer her. The feeling was so.. horrible. I really can't really remember what happened next. I found myself in my bed when I woke up at like 4am. My hp's still in my hand. I guess I sleep walked to my bed.
Talk about being tired.

-

She should seriously stop talking. She feels like she's losing herself. Does she matter to anyone?, she questioned herself. Did she keep trying to get into other people's lives, as if she was destined to be there? When reality sinks in, leaving behind, the cold hard truth. Not once but many a times, feeling all so alone. People leaving one by one, leaving her all alone. Logical reasonings, they do well. But sometimes, all she needs is the warmth and comfort the heart yearns for. How can she be a better person? Holding onto things once was, but never ever the same again. She cannot deny the thoughts going through her head, can she? By faith, she will step out of the person she had been, and remember the person she was meant to be. To the world, you may be just one person; but to her, you may be the world. Perhaps people have given the best of their hearts uncritically, to those who hardly think of them in return. She, does she matter to anyone? Can she hold on to those who matter to her? Can she? She agrees with her friend. The two saddest words are, "what if". Can she depend on him? Is it allowed? Can she hold his hand when she's tired? Can she? Will he be there when the world walks out on her? She's sick and tired of trying to get into other people's lives. It is always at these point of times she decides that there is no one, no one, worth her attention. She becomes self centered, rebellious, selfish, uncaring. Who will, who will love her, accept her the way she is. Admist the hustle and bustle of life, pay attention to her, lead her on. Look beyond what she's saying. Pay attention to what she did not say. Facade, facade. In the end, she will be alright. She always will be.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

realism

Maybe it's good to stay detached from reality. Then again, what's reality? I look at myself in the mirror, is the person in front of me, me? Somehow, it transforms sameness into unlikeness. It seems strange to be unable to comprehend the thoughts of the person standing in front of me. After all, it's supposed to be me. Test test. Test the boundaries of what is possible. Or.. impossible? Reality, more frightening and unknown.

Silence. Drained of energy to speak. Thoughts going through my head. And who will listen to me speak? Who will understand? What am I to do? Feeling so helpless. I look and wonder, yes, no?

Shall leave everything to Him.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts our fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been perfect in love. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

Yeah. No. "Yes, Brother." Sorry to go back on my words time and time again. Trying hard to be the person I am supposed to be, or maybe, the person I want to be. The big blue eyes of power and superiority. How do I dare to challenge? Forgive me.

/And when will you truely see?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Screwed

How lucky can I get, seriously. I was at Thomson Plaza waiting for 855, and guess what. My tuba SL appears. Well, the point is I didn't go for band today. The bus is 1m away and I could have boarded the bus without having to greet her. Too bad the bus's slow. She smiles at me and waves at me. She's seriously good natured.

I really don't know what to say. The people in the band are really freaking nice. Especially the band major and my tuba sl. They have to tolerate all my nonsense, but still, they are so nice! I'd rather them get angry and kick me out of band.(which was my motive all along) I guess it's not working out very well. Tell me what am I supposed to do?! I don't want to stay in band!

Today's really a breather. I'll faint and die soon if this goes on. School, Cca, Work, Church. -standing ovation. Come on, there must be a way.

Friday, January 12, 2007

School, again

I'm blogging from school!
Okay, there's free internet access in school.
Coolness.
hm. I'm beginning to love my class.
not bad after all eh.
1T05 (:
Reached school at like 6.50 to play for the commencement ceremony.
I was like a walking zombie. Didn't realise my surroundings were totally dark.
I just walked and walked to the band room. Reached the staircase leading to the band room, someone coughed, I heard footsteps. I couldn't see anyone!
Haha. I almost screamed before I see a figure emerging from who knows where.
no electricity. dots. it's just like the good old st nicks days.
Was sitting up there at the gallery, half the time I almost fell asleep.
Only Maths and Econs tutorial today!
Econs tutorial was crap, like again. Learned about the difference between scarcity and rarity by doing weird art & craft.
OH YES!
Highlight of the day: PATRICK
Our maths tutorial teacher called randall by his middle name.
I couldn't stop laughing after that.
I dont know why!
I laugh when I see him.
goodness. I'm acting like some serious insane nut.

hahaha. PATRICK. (:

Lauren is beside me and she's acting like some kuku.
haha. Lauren's a KUKU! d:

alright, shall go off before that kuku kills me.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

School

First day of lectures!
First lectrure of the day: Maths.
hm. it's alright.
Next up! GP.
The teacher was talking so faast!
I was scribbling like crazy.
Then.. LIT.
oh my goodness.
The lecturer's an ang moh.
He's so DRAMATIC.
He kept booming into the microphone, totally could not fall asleep.
"For poetry, you have to LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN!!!!!!!! So that you can experience the MUSIC and POWER of poetry."
He spent like 20 slides trying to tell us what other famous poets think poetry is all about.
"I think the explanation from such a famous and intellectual poet of the 18th century is rubbish."
Something about finding the right words. ayye.
Can't rememeber.
In the end he only approved of Paul Valery's explanation of poetry.
I still don't see the point he's trying to bring across.
Just that poetry is music. haha. whatever rubbish.
Econs lecture. The lecture place's like some old church setting.
Wooden benches and table. haha.
My class got totally distracted by Kenny and His Girlfriend.
oops. haha.
xinya asked:" so which stage are you two at now? stages 1 to 5"
and she went on to explain each stage. errr. wow.
All i can remember from econs is something about resources and needs.
ah well.
GEOG.
HAHA. the teacher's damn gay. couldn't stop laughing lah.
at the end of the lecture, the environmental society came in to promote their cca. haha.

Well, I'm fine with all my subjects. Thou i still don't get what econs is all about.
Today's a good day.
And I won't let anyone spoil it. (:

Wednesday, off to Ben & Jerry's with nat.
nice placee.
I love talking to that girl. (:
She never fails to make my day no matter how rotten I was feeling, which I was.
:(
My morning breakfast girl's a dear. :D
Maybe one day our perception of those disgusting monsters will change.
yes nat?
Haha. We'll always stand strong, cause they can't bring us down. (:

Hm. Are you going to quit on me now?
Haha. Sad to say, I don't want you out of my life.
You've gotten me through so far, please don't quit on me now!
Ah well, it's not like i've got a choice.
You're always off elsewhere.
I guess I can never be part of your life as much as I want to..
There's never space.
Oh well!
Just know that if you ever need me, I'll still be there. (:

All hail yiling, the survivor.
Heh.


/And tomorrow will always be a better day

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Heartbreaker

Don't we all want to feel needed and appreciated?
Or is it only me.
Is it a choice to let someone into your heart?
I'll never allow it if I could.
Maybe all I need is a fairytale.
And the happily ever after.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same again.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

I see you staring at me,
but you never truly see,

why I love you, oh, so much,
when you're so out of touch.

Feelings that we could have shared,
you flung behind without a care.

It seems so hard to let you go,
and the process is so slow.

I don't know whether I should stay,
and waste another day away.

I do know, though, that all this pain,
will soon drive me insane.

You don't feel me loving you,
and you just can't seem to get a clue.

You don't see me cry inside,
and in you I know I can't confide.

Yet still I find that you are blind,
to things meant to be kind.

You know nothing of my fears,
and are unaware of all my tears.

I know I really can't deny,
things I feel as I look you in the eye.

So who will help me make it through?
Who will tell me what to do?

How come every time I see your face,
for me there's never any space?

Maybe someday you'll see me differently,
so until then, I'll be waiting silently.




yes, nat?

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Peace

orientation today was much better.
enjoyed myself quite abit.
can't wait for tomorrow now.
it will be off to the old police academy getting all dirty in mud. (so i heard)
IG16 rocks! yeah!
which reminds me, my hand smells of soya sauce! ew.
mass dance.
i'd bet i look super retarded dancing.
but anyway, it's fun.
better than the st nicks family dance. duh uh.
haha.
i can't quit band.
shall make the best out of it.
this band guy came up to me at the bus stop and asked me if i'm the tubist.
questioned me for not going for band yesterday.
well well.
didn't know the band ppl can recognise me huh.
heard the conductor's not very happy with us, the appeal students.
whatever!
end of SYF, in May, i'll go all out to get out of the cca.
ladeedums.

i can't seem to control my temper recently.
peace peace.
i need to be at peace.
did really really bad things.
everything is coming back.
how i hate being at home and all.
totally have no patience at all.
hearing their voices just make me boil.
what's getting into me?!
i should just stay in my room and hibernate.

/And I can't tell you what it is but it's the best thing I found

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

damn.
first day of school and i'm crying in the principal's office.
what a great way to start the new year.

why the hell was i so freakin stupid to tie myself down to BAND.
like hello, 4 years of band's not enough for me huh.
so now i'm supp to be reponsible for my reckless decision.
band practices on wed, fri, sat.
sat, it's from 9 to 3.
no lunch break.
HELLO.
i need energy to blow.
and what's wrong with them? can't they get a tuba stand for nuts sake!
my thighs hurt like mad. thanks huh.
what a great way to brighten up my jc life.
!)*^*%^$^&&^

i'd rather work until my O level results come out.
at the thought of BAND.
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

i don't want to go to school.
erh.
sorry man. i sound like a spoiled primary one kid.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim;
But come what may, I'll simply trust
And leave it all to Him