Saturday, June 16, 2007

jaded

I am weak but learning to be strong.
I smile, as if nothing is wrong.

I need freedom.
The freedom to express my feelings, the freedom to love.
I need courage.
The courage to confront, the courage to let go, the courage to lose.
I need faith.
The faith in the Lord that everything will be alright, because there's Him.

I am afraid.
To lose the thing that I fought so hard for.

Now now, tell me what should I do?

Emptiness, loneliness..

I really, really really really want to run away.

Service today, no matter how hard I sang.. nothing.

Me: Last time there used to be Willard around to take bus with us.
Jian Hao: Eugene too.
Me: Yeah, next time it'll be you alone.
Jian Hao: It might be you alone too.
To each other: OK. It won't happen.

Mid years in a week's time.
I am freakin screwed.
Tell me about economies of scale. Gosh.

I'm left with uhm, $1.58 in my bank account.
Sheesh.

Pohchoo, I want to hug you.

Sigh.
I surrender.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

Monday, June 11, 2007

losing myself

I stare blankly into nothing.
I don't know what am I feeling.
I don't know what is on my mind.
The need to be around people..
I want to feel something..
I am void of emotions.
I can't even cry anymore..
I..

Found a few friends here and there.
People I never thought I could talk that much too.
Well, namely Yulin, Lionel, Weilin and Wayne.
Guess it's their genuine concerns that moved me.
Many thanks to Wayne and Lionel anyway, the dear Choong brothers.
Many thanks in advance too.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

falling apart

She lay there, everything going through her all too familiar.
The pain taking control her entire being, the tears flowing uncontrollably.
The fingers, numb, at the very tips.
She tried rubbing her heart to ease the pain, it won't work.
She cried out, no one hears.
She tried reaching out, no one's there.
The deafeaning silence around her swallows up her cries.
She feels utterly alone and helpless.
Take, take all the pain away.
"Never again, will she allow anyone else to walk into her heart", she tells herself.
She cries herself to sleep, the pain numbing the very senses left in her.

It is not what happened that hurt her.
It is the very fact that he brushed her feelings away like it didn't matter at all.
Just with a word, "Aiyah"
Maybe it never mattered.
Is this all she's worth?
For people to come and go out of her life as they please, leaving her all alone to pick up the broken pieces of her heart.
This is what hurt most.
It hurt even more when the person that matters the most does it..
To just disappear and never be heard of again..
No.. don't do it..
It hurts.. when people choose to ignore, ignore..
Holding on to the very last minute, holding on to the very last hope..
She's holding on..
Don't walk out on her..
Is she not good enough?
Is this all she's worth?

It never really was who he really is..
It never really was what he really is..
All she sees beneath every string of words and every smile; carefully woven together, is a person so ordinary.
A person so ordinary.. A person so ordinary.. that she..
No.. don't push her away like that.. don't..

Don't leave her hanging there.. please..


/There, my beautiful prince from france

Friday, June 08, 2007

rantings

Finally saw my dearest Melissa yesterday.
She's still as silly as ever.
She got me laughing real hard when she was narrating the way she fell to the floor after Ruffles pounced on her.
And she spent 4 hours trying to look for Ruffles and she got scolded by an old man . Haha.
She was demonstrating the way Ruffles was panting after his escape.
OMG, can't stand it.
I think I laughed too loudly in the library.
Try getting her to describe an incident to you, the most un-funny ones will becaome hilarious I tell you.
We didn't go to the toilet as often cause Pearlyn wasn't there to force us to buy 1 litre mineral bottles. (Haha)
Her expression was so funny while I went on and on and on and on whining.
Haha, thanks dear for listening although they all don't make sense.
This little boy was learning how to count at the next table.
I was concentrating so hard to get the different types of volcanic eruptions right.
He was counting aloud and I just went "Shut up or I slap you I tell you", without me knowing it.
Melissa started laughing and told me the 2 women had laughed at me.
Woots.
Sakae was coool.
While I bent over to call for the waitress, she lifted her finger and the waitress responded.
WELL, the point is.. Haha, I don't know what's the point.
She made me buy her Smart-Alek bread.
It's so longg. I almost squashed it seriously.
I fell asleep in the train, I woke up just in time for my stop.
I really fell asleep. My neck was aching like crazy.
Hm, I hope I didn't drool. Hahaha.
I don't think I was even walking in a straight line while getting out of the station.

Ah, off to work after that, the Smart-Alek bread still in my hand. (Ha)
This guy, Kevin, he disgusts me so much, gosh.
The entire week I was working, I think my ears could have dropped off already.
Every single teeny weeny bit of thing, he has to comment.
Well, the point is, he talks too much.
TOO MUCH.
People shouldn't talk too much anyway.
Sometimes, he makes a comment and I happen to be the only one around, so he stares hard at me to get a response.
Haha, of course, I just walk off.
And guess what, he tried pulling a stunt yesterday by holding a tray full of tall glasses with one hand, and lifting it up high in the air.
I stood there, and, THE GLASS FELL ON ME.
I wasn't spared from the left over drink in the glass.
Okay, I saved the day cause the glass didn't break.
I shouted at him. Haha, poor guy.
I was at the sink washing and he comes in to apologise and I yelled at him to get lost.
Poor poor guy. Ha.
I'll be seeing him again today, goodness.
Chris's leaving for the army. :(
I almost used the mop to whack him when he did this.. action.
Oh sheesh.
No man, I've had enough of that.
Haha, I seem to be very violent at work.

I want to stay over at Melissa's houseeee!
Pearlyn's off at camp. :(
It's really sad that Melissa's not in CHC anymore.
Xinru too.
Sigh.

The nights seem to be increasingly longer and lonelier.
I will stare blankly at the ceiling and before I knew it, two hours had passed.
I'm getting really tired, again.
Tired of going after, tired of trying.
All the emotions trapped inside, they are eating me up slowly.
I shall stop, and watch the world pass me by.
Mm, that sounds like a good idea.



I’ll tell you that I love you
With all my beating heart
But can you return that favour
Or is this just something stabbed with a dart

Thursday, June 07, 2007

photos!

EMERGE 07! :D



uh oh, where's wayne! haha


esther debra leong!

WEILIN! :D

heyy heyy, the couple!
You should see the way sm fans us to keeps us cool while queueing. ((:

us jc people and of course, our dear cgl wayne!
esther too, haha


say cheese, everyone! (:


Emerge was really awesome.
Have I said this before?
Haha, hear me say it again!
I want to go back to those 4 days!
All the queueing makes one go crazy.
Serving as an usher was really an experience too.
Haha, Rhonda's getting really fierce now.
Poor Ching feng, he's so afraid of balloons!
Liu Geng Hong proposed to Vivi Wang, you know!
The whole atmosphere was so so so lovey dovey I just wanted to die.
Haha, anyhow, good thing someone wasn't there.
Liu Geng Hong's muscles are so freakin cool.
He's hot to the MAXXX I tell you.
He even flashed his abs. HOT HOT HOT! HAHAHA
Esther was crying when she heard the pos results.
She was so shocked when Derrick hugged her.
Fancy her even saying that Lionel and I don't know how to comfort people.
She and her Matthew, woots.
Weilin! JC07 already arh! :(
Haha, I really do love everyone in the cg!(:

Just when I thought everything was going right.
Just within one day, and woah. Here I am to pick myself up again, and go back to Him, my first love.
I'm kind of lost.
The heart is not right.
The heart is kinda emotionless towards certain things.
The tears won't come out.

Just to my readers out there, I'm perfectly fine.
That's the odd thing.

Oh well, let it be.
It will all fade away soon, I hope.

Sigh, to love.
Is it that hard?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

this thing called love

I guess I still do love my beautiful prince from france.
I don't know what am I doing but suddenly I just don't care anymore.
After all how much time do I have left?
I can't can't can't make the feeling stop.
Why can't you just let me love you?
Stop coming up with excuses. Really, it doesn't matter.
Ah, I just want to be by your side, lying on your shoulder.
Imaginations.

Shirleen! I've not seen you for like one week already.
I miss you like crazy.
I'm jealous of your twinn. :( He always gets to you first.
Haha, Melody's going China to be one of them.
I bet Melody's sleeping and watching television everyday.
Joanna ah, haha, mugging everyday right.

The muscles on my arms are gross, gosh.
I don't dare to look at them in the mirror anymore.

/You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Sigh, this thing called love.

Monday, June 04, 2007

EMERGE!

EMERGE WAS AWESOME. (:
AWESOME I TELL YOU.
What I took away from Emerge 2007:
To praise and worship the Lord no matter how horrible you feel, no matter what you are going through.
To cast all your troubles and burdens on the Lord and He will comfort you.
To continue to love, even the unlovable. A hug is always nice. Imperfect we may be, the Lord still loves us.
God can use us with whatever we have for the glory of His kingdom, as long as we are willing.
A willing heart, broken to You.
These are not merely just words. I've never felt Him so real before.
And I know I know I know, I made the right decision to let go. (:

"you're the one i really want. why why why cant you see that ))):"
From Nat's blog.
I can understand her tremendous frustration. Well, helplessness too.
It really reminds me of myself.
Or , I should be saying.. "Why can't you let me love you?"
Haha, the constant search for love?
The perfect other?
We young people, haha.
I have ceased to think that way, at least for the time being.
Really, at the end of the day, God's love transcends everything else.

Friday, June 01, 2007

let go

Thought of saying this:
Thank you, thank you to my parents, sisters, Melissa, Pearlyn, Nat, Xinru, Shirleen, Joanna, Melody and to all those people who never gave up on me and remained by me after all this while. And continued to love and accept me, the way I am.
I am sorry, to those people I have disappointed time and time again. I guess, that would be 2 people in particular. Sorry.. Though I have to admit it's kind of sad to see the people that matters keeping a distance from you after one wrong move or another.

Made a decision to let go.
Proclaimed it to Him during service today.
The peace of God overwhelmed me.
One heart, undivded, broken to You.
No looking back.