liberatedd

2008-03-09T15:07:00.001+08:00

Aloha!

jaded

2007-06-16T00:59:00.000+08:00

I am weak but learning to be strong.
I smile, as if nothing is wrong.

I need freedom.
The freedom to express my feelings, the freedom to love.
I need courage.
The courage to confront, the courage to let go, the courage to lose.
I need faith.
The faith in the Lord that everything will be alright, because there's Him.

I am afraid.
To lose the thing that I fought so hard for.

Now now, tell me what should I do?

Emptiness, loneliness..

I really, really really really want to run away.

Service today, no matter how hard I sang.. nothing.

Me: Last time there used to be Willard around to take bus with us.
Jian Hao: Eugene too.
Me: Yeah, next time it'll be you alone.
Jian Hao: It might be you alone too.
To each other: OK. It won't happen.

Mid years in a week's time.
I am freakin screwed.
Tell me about economies of scale. Gosh.

I'm left with uhm, $1.58 in my bank account.
Sheesh.

Pohchoo, I want to hug you.

Sigh.
I surrender.

2007-06-13T10:43:00.000+08:00

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

losing myself

2007-06-11T00:35:00.000+08:00

I stare blankly into nothing.
I don't know what am I feeling.
I don't know what is on my mind.
The need to be around people..
I want to feel something..
I am void of emotions.
I can't even cry anymore..
I..

Found a few friends here and there.
People I never thought I could talk that much too.
Well, namely Yulin, Lionel, Weilin and Wayne.
Guess it's their genuine concerns that moved me.
Many thanks to Wayne and Lionel anyway, the dear Choong brothers.
Many thanks in advance too.

falling apart

2007-06-10T09:51:00.000+08:00

She lay there, everything going through her all too familiar.
The pain taking control her entire being, the tears flowing uncontrollably.
The fingers, numb, at the very tips.
She tried rubbing her heart to ease the pain, it won't work.
She cried out, no one hears.
She tried reaching out, no one's there.
The deafeaning silence around her swallows up her cries.
She feels utterly alone and helpless.
Take, take all the pain away.
"Never again, will she allow anyone else to walk into her heart", she tells herself.
She cries herself to sleep, the pain numbing the very senses left in her.

It is not what happened that hurt her.
It is the very fact that he brushed her feelings away like it didn't matter at all.
Just with a word, "Aiyah"
Maybe it never mattered.
Is this all she's worth?
For people to come and go out of her life as they please, leaving her all alone to pick up the broken pieces of her heart.
This is what hurt most.
It hurt even more when the person that matters the most does it..
To just disappear and never be heard of again..
No.. don't do it..
It hurts.. when people choose to ignore, ignore..
Holding on to the very last minute, holding on to the very last hope..
She's holding on..
Don't walk out on her..
Is she not good enough?
Is this all she's worth?

It never really was who he really is..
It never really was what he really is..
All she sees beneath every string of words and every smile; carefully woven together, is a person so ordinary.
A person so ordinary.. A person so ordinary.. that she..
No.. don't push her away like that.. don't..

Don't leave her hanging there.. please..

/There, my beautiful prince from france

rantings

2007-06-08T14:12:00.000+08:00

Finally saw my dearest Melissa yesterday.
She's still as silly as ever.
She got me laughing real hard when she was narrating the way she fell to the floor after Ruffles pounced on her.
And she spent 4 hours trying to look for Ruffles and she got scolded by an old man . Haha.
She was demonstrating the way Ruffles was panting after his escape.
OMG, can't stand it.
I think I laughed too loudly in the library.
Try getting her to describe an incident to you, the most un-funny ones will becaome hilarious I tell you.
We didn't go to the toilet as often cause Pearlyn wasn't there to force us to buy 1 litre mineral bottles. (Haha)
Her expression was so funny while I went on and on and on and on whining.
Haha, thanks dear for listening although they all don't make sense.
This little boy was learning how to count at the next table.
I was concentrating so hard to get the different types of volcanic eruptions right.
He was counting aloud and I just went "Shut up or I slap you I tell you", without me knowing it.
Melissa started laughing and told me the 2 women had laughed at me.
Woots.
Sakae was coool.
While I bent over to call for the waitress, she lifted her finger and the waitress responded.
WELL, the point is.. Haha, I don't know what's the point.
She made me buy her Smart-Alek bread.
It's so longg. I almost squashed it seriously.
I fell asleep in the train, I woke up just in time for my stop.
I really fell asleep. My neck was aching like crazy.
Hm, I hope I didn't drool. Hahaha.
I don't think I was even walking in a straight line while getting out of the station.

Ah, off to work after that, the Smart-Alek bread still in my hand. (Ha)
This guy, Kevin, he disgusts me so much, gosh.
The entire week I was working, I think my ears could have dropped off already.
Every single teeny weeny bit of thing, he has to comment.
Well, the point is, he talks too much.
TOO MUCH.
People shouldn't talk too much anyway.
Sometimes, he makes a comment and I happen to be the only one around, so he stares hard at me to get a response.
Haha, of course, I just walk off.
And guess what, he tried pulling a stunt yesterday by holding a tray full of tall glasses with one hand, and lifting it up high in the air.
I stood there, and, THE GLASS FELL ON ME.
I wasn't spared from the left over drink in the glass.
Okay, I saved the day cause the glass didn't break.
I shouted at him. Haha, poor guy.
I was at the sink washing and he comes in to apologise and I yelled at him to get lost.
Poor poor guy. Ha.
I'll be seeing him again today, goodness.
Chris's leaving for the army. :(
I almost used the mop to whack him when he did this.. action.
Oh sheesh.
No man, I've had enough of that.
Haha, I seem to be very violent at work.

I want to stay over at Melissa's houseeee!
Pearlyn's off at camp. :(
It's really sad that Melissa's not in CHC anymore.
Xinru too.
Sigh.

The nights seem to be increasingly longer and lonelier.
I will stare blankly at the ceiling and before I knew it, two hours had passed.
I'm getting really tired, again.
Tired of going after, tired of trying.
All the emotions trapped inside, they are eating me up slowly.
I shall stop, and watch the world pass me by.
Mm, that sounds like a good idea.

I’ll tell you that I love you
With all my beating heart
But can you return that favour
Or is this just something stabbed with a dart

photos!

2007-06-07T00:11:00.000+08:00

EMERGE 07! :D

uh oh, where's wayne! haha

esther debra leong!
WEILIN! :D
heyy heyy, the couple!You should see the way sm fans us to keeps us cool while queueing. ((:
us jc people and of course, our dear cgl wayne!

esther too, haha

say cheese, everyone! (:

Emerge was really awesome.

Have I said this before?

Haha, hear me say it again!

I want to go back to those 4 days!

All the queueing makes one go crazy.

Serving as an usher was really an experience too.

Haha, Rhonda's getting really fierce now.

Poor Ching feng, he's so afraid of balloons!

Liu Geng Hong proposed to Vivi Wang, you know!

The whole atmosphere was so so so lovey dovey I just wanted to die.

Haha, anyhow, good thing someone wasn't there.

Liu Geng Hong's muscles are so freakin cool.

He's hot to the MAXXX I tell you.

He even flashed his abs. HOT HOT HOT! HAHAHA

Esther was crying when she heard the pos results.

She was so shocked when Derrick hugged her.

Fancy her even saying that Lionel and I don't know how to comfort people.

She and her Matthew, woots.

Weilin! JC07 already arh! :(

Haha, I really do love everyone in the cg!(:

Just when I thought everything was going right.

Just within one day, and woah. Here I am to pick myself up again, and go back to Him, my first love.

I'm kind of lost.
The heart is not right.

The heart is kinda emotionless towards certain things.

The tears won't come out.

Just to my readers out there, I'm perfectly fine.

That's the odd thing.

Oh well, let it be.

It will all fade away soon, I hope.

Sigh, to love.

Is it that hard?

2007-06-06T12:44:00.000+08:00

2007-06-06T00:01:00.001+08:00

this thing called love

2007-06-05T12:52:00.000+08:00

I guess I still do love my beautiful prince from france.
I don't know what am I doing but suddenly I just don't care anymore.
After all how much time do I have left?
I can't can't can't make the feeling stop.
Why can't you just let me love you?
Stop coming up with excuses. Really, it doesn't matter.
Ah, I just want to be by your side, lying on your shoulder.
Imaginations.

Shirleen! I've not seen you for like one week already.
I miss you like crazy.
I'm jealous of your twinn. :( He always gets to you first.
Haha, Melody's going China to be one of them.
I bet Melody's sleeping and watching television everyday.
Joanna ah, haha, mugging everyday right.

The muscles on my arms are gross, gosh.
I don't dare to look at them in the mirror anymore.

/You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Sigh, this thing called love.

EMERGE!

2007-06-04T13:45:00.000+08:00

EMERGE WAS AWESOME. (:
AWESOME I TELL YOU.
What I took away from Emerge 2007:
To praise and worship the Lord no matter how horrible you feel, no matter what you are going through.
To cast all your troubles and burdens on the Lord and He will comfort you.
To continue to love, even the unlovable. A hug is always nice. Imperfect we may be, the Lord still loves us.
God can use us with whatever we have for the glory of His kingdom, as long as we are willing.
A willing heart, broken to You.
These are not merely just words. I've never felt Him so real before.
And I know I know I know, I made the right decision to let go. (:

"you're the one i really want. why why why cant you see that ))):"
From Nat's blog.
I can understand her tremendous frustration. Well, helplessness too.
It really reminds me of myself.
Or , I should be saying.. "Why can't you let me love you?"
Haha, the constant search for love?
The perfect other?
We young people, haha.
I have ceased to think that way, at least for the time being.
Really, at the end of the day, God's love transcends everything else.

let go

2007-06-01T00:12:00.000+08:00

Thought of saying this:
Thank you, thank you to my parents, sisters, Melissa, Pearlyn, Nat, Xinru, Shirleen, Joanna, Melody and to all those people who never gave up on me and remained by me after all this while. And continued to love and accept me, the way I am.
I am sorry, to those people I have disappointed time and time again. I guess, that would be 2 people in particular. Sorry.. Though I have to admit it's kind of sad to see the people that matters keeping a distance from you after one wrong move or another.

Made a decision to let go.
Proclaimed it to Him during service today.
The peace of God overwhelmed me.
One heart, undivded, broken to You.
No looking back.

2007-05-31T07:16:00.000+08:00

SHIRLEEN!

i wanna love you, you already know

2007-05-29T13:53:00.000+08:00

Insanity.
I'm confused.
It's not supposed to be like that.
I'm sinking deeper into it.
The feelings are getting out of control.
Damn it, stay detached!
No I can't!
Sigh, what is this.
To follow the heart, can I?
Am I allowed?
I'm going to get hurt again.
People are going to leave. Again.
This time, away away away.
I want a hug.
Ah Shirleen, save me.

my comforter

2007-05-27T19:54:00.000+08:00

I surrendered it all to the Lord.
And He took the pain and tears away.
It is the most amazing thing ever.
In a split second, the pain dissolved, the tears dried up.
Here I stand, made whole again.

natural high

2007-05-24T14:46:00.000+08:00

I'm on the natural high today. Yes, Shir, Meow, Anna? (:
(Joanna don't kill me)
I love laughing, it makes me feel so happy both on the inside and outside.
It relaxes all the facial tension.
It relieves all the stress built up inside.
GP was fine I guess.
My youngest sister's watching some cartoon, JayJay the plane.
The songs are so cuteeeee.
Melissa, Pearlyn! Lets sing Spongebob Squarepants "Friends" again!
Oooo, how I love that song.
VJ concert, or Cell group?
Ah. Decisions, decisions.
Actually, I realise I don't have to bother so much about meaningless questions;
How much I mattered, How much I know about a person blah blah blah.
After all, look at the friendship I have between people like Melissa Pearlyn Nat Xinru.. it took YEARS before how it has become as of today.
I'll just be the best I can as a friend!
AHHHHHHH. VJ concert or Cell group?!
MELISSA PEARLYN I WANT TO SEE YOU!!!!!
Damn it.
History tomorrow, argh.
Anyhow, I shall call Shirleen to laugh again later, at the same time, to wake her up from her slumber.

study day

2007-05-23T16:09:00.000+08:00

Truman Doctrine, Marshall Plan, Cominform, Comecon?
Ah, maybe I should try a new method of studying;
Put all the notes under my pillow and let all the words diffuse into my brain.
Hahaha, I'm laughing at myself.
Shirleen, don't laugh at me :D
Anyway Shirleen, our silly little 'wishes' won't come true, we know that.
Your sweetest desire, my unattainable wish.
Ehhhh, what rubbish.
I'm in a mood to talk crap.
Shir, I shall fly to bedok to sleep on your rock bed again.
Why am I talking so much about Shirleen.
Haha, Bay of Pigs, Operation Mongoose. [:
I fell asleep twice while studying, how very productive.
Mass Media, Education?
Haiyer.
I want to play mahjong.
My mother thinks that I'll sink into depression one day.
Oh yes! My 2.4 timing improved! ((:
Many thanks to Evadne for running with me!
14.06 to 12.35, WOOHOO!
:D
Korean war, Kim II Sung, Cuban Missile Crisis, Atomic monopoly.
Woohoo, I feel the sudden urge to study.
Hahaha, Joanna! Abit high only ah!
This is so lame. I shall stalk Mr Ho to the beach next week.
AH RUBBISH.
I'M GRINNING LIKE AN IDIOT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER.
Study lah, gosh.

pictures

2007-05-21T20:40:00.000+08:00

At Mad Jacks after Sports Carnival!
See that guy there right in front? Haha. That's him.

Us and our senior class!
One of the favourites!
Another one of the favourites! :D
Haha, Lauren! (Nono, she's not the one I always talk about in my blog!)
7 of us in Mr Li's car!

At Ben&Jerry's!

This is what both of them always do to me

Ayye, Mr Li!

Cheese!

Ayye, the class!

I love them so! (:

take it away...

2007-05-21T09:33:00.001+08:00

I found myself back where it all started.
I found myself having the same thoughts as yesterday.
Everything's going around in circles.
Everything's the same as yesterday.
Crying out loud, take this love away.
Nothing changed, just found the right words to fit into this so called love.
After so long, so long..
What more can I do?
Each time, I find myself unable to move.
It's like colliding into a wall, no more, nothing further than that, you seem to say.
After so long, so long..

Lord, take this love away.
Lord, all I want to do is to love You, everything else is secondary.
Lord, help me, help me get things right.

2007-05-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

Behind the facade, a person so ordinary.
That is what makes me want to continue loving you.

at the age of forty seven

2007-05-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

It's scary to see;
My father in that state,
My mother, helpless.
It can't go on.
Me being the eldest, I can't be oblivious..

Thinking about it, the least I can do is to show more concern for my family, and of course, do well in my studies.
I need my Saturdays to spend time with the family.
That's the only time the family can go out together.

Seeing my father in that state, I really understand the gravity of it all.
Sigh.
He's asleep at the dining table in the kitchen.
Both my mother and I don't have the strength to carry him to the bedroom.
Help.

On a different note, I feel like screaming.
There are so much things fighting for my attention.
While some just creep into my consciousness.
Like, my exams next thursday and friday, and here I am at an unearthly hour, BLOGGING.
And talking to Shir. (:

Tonight's so.. weird.
I was thinking about it, that liking, it's.. different.
It's not the heart-thumping-go-crazy kind of thing I get in P6(haha).
Instead, it's the natural slow moving kind.

OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.
I'M OFF TO SLEEP.
GOODNESS ME.

getting things right

2007-05-16T17:51:00.000+08:00

You know, I have so much things to say to you but the words just get stuck in my throat.
Good, bad?
Self control I guess.
After all, it has been so long, what difference does it make?
Friends ask me, why not? Well, there are some things that can't be said to a particular person after the many stuff that had happened.
It just happens to apply to this particular person.
Sigh.
Spent a good afternoon thinking about it, finally came to a conclusion that it will all just fade away, I hope.
I really can't deny the feelings as I look into your eye, I can't.
So don't ever ask me that question, or give me one of those talks I hate hearing.
Unless you want me to lie straight in your face, which I'm capable of.
Listened to Jesse McCartney's 'Just so you know' over and over again, the song just speaks of it all. At least I will never let the the feeling take control of me, I think?
Come to think of it, you must be an idiot if you don't know. Well, which is highly unlikely. Commendable I must say (since guys are natural egoistic creatures) how the line is drawn.
Ah, generalizing, I know.
Let things be I guess, what more can I expect.
I like things this way, anyway. (Haha, do I have a choice?)
Ayye, till then.

My fever’s back again, my nose’s totally stuck, my lips are cracking, the throat hurts. . The mother thinks that I’m lazy and gives me a thrashing down at 6am in the morning. What an unearthly hour.
I doubt I have the energy to climb out of bed tomorrow morning.
The body is still aching like nobody’s business.

Read this in my daily devotional: When I am sick, I know that my schedule is out of control, Satan is on the warpath, or God is requiring me to rest. We all deal with illness, but God’s expectation for us is to do everything reasonable to avoid poor health. We need to be careful of our motivation. Satan loves us to be in bondage of poor health and delights in the yoke of excessive fretting over the physical body. Ask God for guidance in dealing with both.

Isn’t that what my mother has been repeatedly telling me every single day when I reach home? My schedule is out of control, rest! You need more rest! And importantly, I need to be careful of my motivation.

Ah, how hard is it to put everything aside and to seek Him?

just so you know;

2007-05-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let her win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before you go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here.. been waiting here

This song, this song.. it says it all..

1T08

2007-05-08T20:06:00.000+08:00

Wo ho! Just want to blog about school today.
Amazingly, school's getting better.

Haha, Joanna's really making me laugh alot.
Poor Leonard, HAHA, right.
It used to be me 'attacking' him, now it's dear Joanna.

Joanna:
"So do you have a problem with me being hardworking?"
"Leonard, SHHHH!"

I realise the class gets really happy when any of our results are higher than Leonard's.
It's kind of natural for the class to react in such a manner I guess.
Since his actions seriously pisses people off.
Shall not go into that anyway.

On the right hand side of me, Melody and Lauren will be on their endless 'bickering'.
Lauren being lauren, shooting at Melody every single minute of the day.
When I get bored of the teacher and listen to them, it seriously makes me laugh.
Well well, I do miss telling Lauren about you-know-who and listening to her ridiculous but constructive comments.

OH! Student Development lesson early in the morning at 8.
Guess what the lesson was on, ha.
Anger Management.
All of us were given this sheet of paper with different columns for us to fill up.
What causes me to feel angry with: My friends, My family members, The people on public transport, The people I encounter when I go out shopping/watch a movie.
Halfway through while the class was sharing with Mrs Leong, Kian How turned around and said, "Eh Yiling, I bet you got alot of things to write."
Haha, of course, I had LOADS of things to write.
Seems like some of my classmates knows that I get pissed off often, especially when I'm getting real stressed up.
But hey, at least I'm changing now alright. Heh.

Ah yes, it really makes you happy when someone praises you eh!
Mr Goodier was trying to help our group through a discussion and I said something and he was real happy about it.
Haha, sounds stupid eh.
Those small little things count know!

BEN! HAHA, he was really nice today.
As you know, the weather has been real hot to bear.
I was walking around the level in my slippers.
During maths lesson, to the toilet, goodness knows why I kicked into the air and off came my slipper and it dropped on top of the roof of the 3rd level.
Haha, it's weird.. dropping to the top.. OKAY.
Back to the point, Ben was there and he helped me retrieve my slipper.
He climbed on top of it while all of us were like, "Ben, please don't die.."
Ha, thanks Ben.
To think that he used to hate the four of us.
Ayye.

NAPFA today too!
Damn it, standing broad jump spoil my beautiful record.
Haha oh well.
Ms Chong's real cute, only 2 years older than us, she was trying to teach us to save the environment by not using those plastic disposable cups.

And after PE, Shirleen's off to meet CorCor, again.
Ayye, poor girl, feelings she can never profess to the person that really matters.
Come to think of it, it's like that for me too.
Well, at least I don't have to lie to anyone..
Melody ah, she is one of those people that really intrigues me to know her more.
I like listening to her talk eh.
Melody eh, don't worry about your face!

Hey hey, 1T08 rocks, I love my friends!
And have I mentioned that I do love JC life, I love it more than Primary or Secondary.
Even though it does stress me out, it's much better than those years before! :D

2007-05-07T17:24:00.000+08:00

At the end of the day,
When it all comes down to it,
All we really want is to be close to somebody.

So this thing where we all keep our distances,
And pretend not to care about each other,
It's usually a load of bull.

We pick and choose who we want to remain close to,
And once we've chosen those people,
We tend to stick close by.

No matter how much we hurt them,
The people that are still with you at the end of the day,
Those are the ones worth keeping.

And sure, at times, close can be too close.
But sometimes,
That invasion of personal space,
It can be exactly what you need.

2007-05-06T00:01:00.000+08:00

2007-05-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

2007-05-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

You know what, I really don't know what to do.
I really don't.
Go on, go on, do what you people do best.
Suck every single ounce of energy left in me.
It's getting very tired to even breathe.
I'm hitting the ground before you count to three.
You, where are you?
No, it's me myself and I that I've got.
What? What do all of you want from me?
You, please be there for me.

fat

2007-05-01T21:05:00.000+08:00

Sleeping in till 12pm rocks.
Packing my room rocks.
Doing my homework rocks!
Staying at home in the comfort of my room the whole day rocks!
Haha, can't believe I feel this way.
It has been ages since I could hibernate in my room.
Tada.

Yesterday, this colleague of mine came back to find his girlfriend.
He was previously working at Bishan but got transferred to Centrepoint.
I was peacefully, happily, hungrily eating my dinner in the kitchen,
He popped his head in, and stared at me for.. quite a few seconds.
After that few seconds, while I continued munching on my dinner, he exclaimed,
"Oh my gosh! You grew fatter! I almost couldn't recognise you!", in chinese.
OH MY GOODNESS.
I almost threw a tray at him.
I almost threw my unagi rice burger at him.
I almost threw the mop at him.
Like I said, almost.
Haha, too bad his girlfriend is my manager.
Oh well, I forgive you. (:

Haha, Melissa, she still sounds the same.
Pearlyn too.
My dear friends. (:

natttt

2007-04-29T22:56:00.000+08:00

Nat.
I love the girl.
I love talking to her.
Thank goodness I still have her around in cj.
(:

Dreams, what dreams do I have?

It hurts yo.
Sigh.

I need, I want, I miss, I love, I..
I!
Sigh.
Rubbish.

Maybe it's best not to talk at all.

Nattttttttt!

I'm going through the exact same thing that I experienced during the O level period.
Or worse, it's a battle everyday though I look like I don't care.
Wayne doesn't seem to get it.
The stress, the anxiety.
I am going to chibabom soon.
Let me repeat this, thank goodness Nat's around.
Or I would have chibabom-ed already.

Lord, lead me on.

thoughts on a rainy day

2007-04-27T23:39:00.000+08:00

Why do I sense betrayal?

Why must you be one of those people that really matters?

To profess that I love,
To everyone else, but you.
To not tip the perfect balance between us.

To love and not wanting to have.
The irony of it all.

Face it, I can't have.

This love of mine, it has to die.

<3

2007-04-26T21:06:00.000+08:00

My youngest sister can be a devil, can be an angel.
The one in Sec2 too.
I love lazing around in their room, soaking up the chinese songs they listen to. (Though I can't recognise almost all of the songs)
Their fan will be at full blast, goodness know why.
Chatting with them realeases my stress.
933Fm is on almost 24/7, as long as they are at home.
I get free massages too.
It really touches me when they really go all out to try to help me when I get into a situation.
Yeah, when I totally run out of cash.
I remember my youngest sister trying so hard to shake out all the coins in her piggy bank, cupping them in her hands, offering them to me.
I don't know whether to cry or to laugh.
And the one in Sec2 staying up till 1am just to pass me money for my cab fare.
It really freaks me out when I see a part of me in them.
Especially when it's the bad character traits.
One thing, both of them are soo thin.
Haha, I really do wish they would call me "jie" one day, it'll really be nice. Instead of calling me by my name.
No matter what, I thank God for giving me sisters like them.

Hm.
It has been a long time since I stopped to appreciate the people around me all the time, whom I had taken granted for.

Haha, now I hear the youngest one whining about the tons of homework my mother is loading her with.
Those were the days..

$

2007-04-25T20:21:00.000+08:00

My arms are aching like crazy.
I might not be able to lift up a pen tomorrow. (Okay, kidding)
I can feel the muscles.
But I'm so not losing weight :[
There's heats for Games day today, ALL the girls had events, except 4 of us.
Mr Edmund/ Esmund(whatever his name is) said to someone, "Even those who can't run went.." Wth.

5 GP essays, Goodier's nuts.
PI due, AGAIN.
Look at all my tests.
Seriously, I need to be grounded.

Have I mentioned that I hate money? (understatement)

Class Tshirt that costs 30 bucks?! Which reminds me, it's not even a class t shirt, it's just a plain adidas jersey with nothing on it.With prints, it's 40 bucks. Thanks ah, since when have I bought such things. Crazy, what's the point of it?! When we are going to wear it for ONE day only? Damn it, the more I think of it, the more stupid I feel for paying for it. Bloody hell. I am stupid.
Donation booklet, 10 bucks which we have to pay ourselves.
Notes that cost a bomb, paying so much every other week?!
Handphone bill, my father refuse to pay for me unless I pay him the amount I exceeded, which is like ALOT. Alright, cut off my line, I'll remain uncontactable from the rest of the world.
My mother, hounding me for the money I owe her?!
Oh, nat.
And I owe 2 people who tried to help me. Ah, thank you.
And, building fund.
Hang me please. HANG ME!

It is during these period of times where I feel utterly helpless and alone. Where is God? Where?! Must I be the only one facing all this alone? Ah yes, people are not to be depended on. Anyway, I have to face it myself. Come on, I can't be accpeting help from people out there. Especially when the 2 adults in the house can't seem to understand and continues hounding me for money(LIKE WHAT FOR?!). Where am I supposed to get the money from? How I wish I'm a golden hen which lays golden eggs huh.
And I remember getting scolded on the damn MRT for telling someone about all this stuff. Can I say no one seem to understand? No one will want to listen anyway. So if you're reading this and you're getting irritated, too bad, no one asked you to read this. And get it in your head, I can't go to my father asking for money like that. I can't. How I wish I can. My mother? Forget it.
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET ALL THE MONEY?! WHAT THE HELL AM I TO DO?!

Sorry, I'm feeling kind of angsty.

No matter what, SMILE.
Gosh.
Suffocating.
Suffocating me.

Hey hey, you you, I want to be your girlfriend! (:

2007-04-23T15:57:00.000+08:00

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend(s)!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about ya all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don’t pretend I think you know I’m damn precious
And Hell Yeah
I’m the motherfucking princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I’m right

She’s like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend(s)!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

I can see the way, I see the way you look at me
And even when you look away I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear
Better yet make your girlfriend disappear
I don’t want to hear you say her name ever again
(And again and again and again!)

She’s like so whatever
You could do so much better
I think we should get together now
And that’s what everyone’s talking about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I don’t like your girlfriend(s)!
No way! No way!
I think you need a new one
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your girlfriend

Hey! Hey! You! You!
I know that you like me
No way! No way!
No it’s not a secret
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
Cause I can, cause I can do it better
There’s no other
So when's it gonna sink in?
She’s so stupid
What the hell were you thinking?!

<3

2007-04-22T09:54:00.000+08:00

Okay, now I'm being particular over every single strand of hair I see on the floor, after I've painstakingly vacuumed the entire house.
It doesn't help at all when there are 4women and 1man in the house.
Really, doing housework's worse than training, anytime.

To know the heart of your leader?
Not only your leader, but everyone who's placed above me in my life.
Especially my parents.
All for my own good.
Ah well.
At the age of 17, the rebellious streak in me still seem to be overpowering.
Ah, 17.

Yes, we'll never get weary if we have a relationship with God, it all boils down to that, yeah?

And just as I finished typing, I see 5 more strands of hair on the keyboard.
/:

Ah yes, Melody Lee.
During GP,
Lauren: What are the functions of the mass media?
Melody: Maths.
(Functions is a topic in our maths syllabus)
Okay, Joanna and I burst out laughing while the entire class was dilligently at work.
I wonder when will Mr Goodier(fresh from New Zealand) will lose that smile of his.
Patience running low eh. Haha.

Fancy saying I'm suffocating you.
I was so depressed for 2 whole days, you.
And then you tell me it's all a JOKE.
I'm sure.

anger

2007-04-20T15:15:00.000+08:00

Today's simply: fucked up.

Cj's a fucked up school.

I am so not fine.

the love of

2007-04-18T20:02:00.000+08:00

Okay, I just deleted an entire post about someone, some people. It's just not right to bitch about people yeah? Man, talk about it.

Sometimes I really wonder why should I care about other people. Oh yeah, I do know the model answer to my question. I must say, the worst feeling ever is to be hurt by people. The heartache, the disappointment. Despite all that, still having to remain strong. And why can people hurt you? Well, simply because it is someone you care about. But what use is there to stay detached from a relationship? I do long for friends I can depend on, friends who will be there for me, no doubt about it. Do I have the right to protect the heart from all these? Most of the time, the person I care about won't even know that.. know that he/she had done something that caused yet another brick to be cemented around the heart. And yes, I'm afraid, afraid that people, people just disappear from my life. It's just too much to bear. In the end, all I have to do is lift all of the hurts up to Him and receive the strength to move on? Is that all? Sigh, understand?

One wrong move, it will really mess up everything. Must it be like that? 520.

I'm dead beat.

tired

2007-04-16T19:50:00.000+08:00

FOUR PAGES OF HISTORY ESSAY TO COMPLETE
AND PROJECT WORK PRELIMINARY IDEAS.
(impossible please)
BY TOMORROW.
Kill me.

I want to sleep.
:/

Decisions, sigh.
:(

AND GUESS WHAT, MY FATHER ACUTALLY PRO-ACTIVELY BOUGHT ME SOMETHING.
:)

eeee

2007-04-12T11:08:00.000+08:00

Meowlody Leeeee's not in school today.
Eeeeee.
Melody, there's an ant nest under your table.
Eeeeee.
Melody,
Eeeee.

Haha, whatever.

Anyhow, to those You-s I tend to talk about much too often in my blog, don't any-o-how make assumptions ehh.
Ha, well.

Back to the Cold War.
Eeeeee.

melodyy

2007-04-11T21:18:00.000+08:00

MELODY LEE, YOU!
You are so not going to remain like this forever.
I'll go all out to help you even at the expense of you getting freakin irritated at me man.

Ah well, sorry to the seniors Daniel and Nathaniel..

Eee, what am I doing to myself again.
Yeah, what hurts the most, was being so close. (or did I imagine it?)
From the way I see it, I'm walking back into it again.
Are things going to repeat itself?
I hope not.
What's the point?
What's the point of this kind of relationship anyway?
Why the hell am I "attracted" to you anyway.
Eeee.

Haha, oh well heck it, I need sleep.

no more duckwalk please

2007-04-05T19:30:00.000+08:00

Okay, I can't climb up and down the stairs properly.
My things are hurting like crazy.
My arms too.

MELODY: PENCIL BOX.
So UN-funny please.
Joanna! Your favourite friend eh!
Haha.

My command of english is DECOMPOSING.
READ READ READ!

Yay, I can see Melissa and Pearlyn like TOMORROW (:

Haha, I realise things work out so much better when you don't stress over things too much.
I guess just do your best and leave everything to God.

Okay, off to read about the COLD WAR. ]:

duckwalk

2007-04-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

Try duckwalking down and up a slope, worst thing I've ever done in my life.
Thank goodness there's Natalie, Justin and the rest of the J1s.

Mrs Leong's going to change our sitting arrangement.
I'll miss my birdie and Joanna. :(

I think we got communication breakdown.
Oh well.

The horrors of duckwalking.

do or don't?

2007-04-03T19:13:00.000+08:00

Ah Joanna, because we love.
Haha, actually.. no I don't.
No, I do.
No, I don't!
No, I do!
Okay never mind, it doesn't matter, I know you do.

Easter's coming!
Yay, Melissa Pearlyn are coming. (:
And a few others! ((:
Pray that Shirleen and Melody will come too, two of the three favourites.

Hey you, I will never make the first move anymore.
Yeah.

Piong's drawing of Oprah Winfrey. HAHHAHAHA.

way back into love

2007-04-01T19:54:00.000+08:00

I burnt my fingers trying to dig burnt chocolate out of the bowl.
Please people, don't eat fondue.
Unless you want the life of us washing like crazy.
It's so expensive and the chocolate's cheap skate anyway.
Do you know how much parts of the entire creation we have to wash?!

Haha, okay, enough complaining.
The weird thing is I really love working at Hagen daz.
I love school.
I love church.
And all because everywhere there are wonderful people around me. :D

But again, the problem's at home.
Ah well.

The movie "The freedom writers" is really nice.
People, go catch it.
Wayne's really nice to send me home too.
Singing at Kbox's really fun.
Fancy us dancing like retards on the sofa.
Melody and Shirleen. ((:
Joanna just has to find her boyfriend.
Pfffft.
Joanna! I plucked off my nails again, I was too stressed up washing all the dishes.

Hahaha. I can't wait to see Miss Melody and Shirleen and Joanna tomorrow.
Say the word "Fugly" and see what they'll do.
And Miss Joanna laughing at my LIBERATED-TED.
Ah. The smiles of it all.
(:

Way back into love
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

/And if I open my heart again, I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end.

don't laugh

2007-03-29T23:55:00.000+08:00

This is damn ridiculous.
Guess what happened during prayer meeting.
During Praise and Worship, specifically, Praise.
Jumped too enthusiastically,
and,
my skirt DROPPED.

Don't laugh.
(I'm a St nicks girl, therefore have the habit to wear shorts under my uniform. So, yeah.)

Gosh, it's still embarrassing.

to follow

2007-03-26T16:52:00.000+08:00

I was thinking about some stuff last night;
Realised that actually you made me a stronger person than before, ever since that faithful MRT ride home which you said the worst things ever.
You even left without a goodbye, maybe that's when things didn't really matter anymore.
Tired of going after, tired of trying to press into your life.
It didn't really work anyway.
Should have stopped and noticed the people who have been patiently waiting for me.
Waiting for me to realise what a fool I had been, and then to "Follow me".
Yes, to follow.

I seriously have this thing about MRTs.
Made a fool of myself during econs class today.

Mr Li: Yiling, can you name me a good that will raise the demand for N73.
-Pauses and class begins to discuss.
Classmate: Samsung.. Sony Ericsson..
Mr Li: Good!

Me: I thought N73's a MRT station.
-Uproar of laughther and Mr Li flashes his very high-tech phone in front of me.

Okay, I still don't know what has that got to do with demand and supply.

random

2007-03-25T09:23:00.000+08:00

I'm going to go bankrupt soon, at the rate we are paying for all the notes.
Sleeping at 9 o clock doesn't make me any more awake in class.
I fell asleep in the train after esther left and totally missed my stop. If not for a kind old man who woke me up at Sembawang(goodness knows why).
School rocks totally; I love my class, cca, teachers and friends.
Excluding the fact that I almost died during land training at the GST.
I do not understand why some people have to quarrel over one message that totally meant nothing.
Crazy, go pick someone your own age.

Ah yes, others can, but I can't.

slow burn

2007-03-19T22:00:00.000+08:00

And it is just that, that makes everything about you, disgusting.
Why do that to yourself?
Or maybe, you don't even care and it doesn't matter to you at all.

Oh gosh, surrender it all.

faith

2007-03-17T11:11:00.000+08:00

Others can, but I can't.

Do not be afraid, only believe.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it can only be lived forward.

I am the master of my unspoken words and the slave to those which should have remained unsaid.

We have to be to others what we desire for ourselves.

Which kind of sums up the revelations I had in the past few weeks.
Cheers, to a great week ahead!(:

zoomanji!

2007-03-12T16:24:00.000+08:00

Randall, Ellice and Shirleen!
Pearlyn and Ling!

Hugging a standing kangaroo
Komali's footprint
Riding on a seal's back
Riding on a zebra! Heh
Heyy heyy! The couple!

Zoomanji was great!

And because Randall, Shirleen, Ellice, Pearlyn and Ling came, it made the event all the more better! :D

Ling's still cute and as pink as ever! Haha. I miss the girl.

No, don't whack my arms. Or else you'll hear me scream. Haha.

Sun burn, it's still hurting today! Aloe vera cream's not helping!

Maybe he's different from the rest.

Maybe.

But, all of them are still the same.

Said,"All guys are jerks" and got a gentle hit on the back, turned around and saw that look.

It sent shivers down the spine.

Reminded never to verbalise it in front of any of that species.

listen

2007-03-08T19:04:00.000+08:00

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own, my own

peanuts

2007-03-08T18:44:00.000+08:00

I'm going to be paid for eating peanuts.
80 bucks! It's equivalent to standing for 17 hours!
Oh joy.
Next thursday at NUH!
Haha, I would like to thank God, my father and my mother for having me with peanut allergy.
Okay, no speech.
Haha. Woohoo!

oh eh oh bing bang bong!

orientation, day 1

2007-03-07T20:13:00.000+08:00

Mass dance was so much better than the previous one!
Haha. Danced with a girl, and was super hyper, laughing like non-stop.
My ig's not that bad I guess. Anyhow, we'll be getting into our classes on friday.

Can you believe it, after a few hours into orientation, Lauren so couldn't stand AJ anymore, she came over to CJ for her interview.
And guess what, SHE GOT IN!
YAYNESS.
But she won't be in my class anyway. BUT STILL.
Haha, Lauren. (:

Have I mentioned AC-wannabes are freaking thorns in the flesh?
Excuse me, you can't get into AC, it's a fact.
So please, get a life.
If you think CJ's so not the school for you and it sucks just so, fuck off man.
There are so many other people who will appreciate that place you are hogging.
Stop whining about how AC rocks, CJ sucks and how nice is the principal of AC.
Go on, go to the principal, I highly doubt she will accept you.
Even if she does, everyone will be so glad to see you go.

Such irritants don't only appear in my ig yo.
Looking at Lydia's desperate face, and her teary eyes, I so wanted to go up to those AC-wannabes and give them a slap across their faces.

Which reminds me, I have yet to kill someone. I'm still pissed. Seriously, whatever.

Argh, Randall's going poly! :(

lauren

2007-03-07T00:19:00.000+08:00

Lauren! Shit you lah!
I'm missing you so much now, in the middle of the night!
I can't believe I'm going to school not seeing you anymore!
We didnt take pictures , Lauren!
I don't care, we have to meet up!
Ahhhh Lauren!

Lauren: I'll miss being mean to you. I'll miss your bitchy-ness. I'll miss you telling me about your sister and the un-gentlemanly guys. I'll miss you rolling your eyes at me. I'll miss you calling me to warn me of impending disasters. I'll miss laughing in front of the computer while you desperately try to get your point across. I'll miss your analysis of Mr Intellectual. I'll miss talking to you. I'll miss you being my wife. I'll miss you trying to shut me up each time I say something totally stupid. I'll miss you whacking my legs to make me keeps my legs closed. I'll miss you, seriously.
I can't believe you're not going to be around anymore!
I miss you already, Lauren!

Lauren's parting gift:
heya girlie. hahah. i never thought i'll say this when i first came to cj cos i hated it so much at first(evidently). bt i'll miss you guys so much. like you were the first person i talked to in 1T05!
so yeah. i seriously think that my parents won't let me cm bk bt oh well. i'll miss your fri ponning obssession & talking 'bout you-know-who & giving you crack advice. & far east. & talking on msn 'bout super brainy lit students & stereotyping & BOXES & birds chirping & wentworth miller & describing things to you which you never understand anyway(so don't ask me what's the pt)
& teaching you math(trust me. it's nt easy altho you aced your math test!!!!!) & buying the $50 bag & telling you 'bout my sis & her escapades in uk & etc. too much to type & think. so seeyou!!!!!!

Ah, Lauren.

So many others won't be around anymore.
Argh.
Tomorrow's a new.. beginning? Have to move on once again.
I can look back and recollect, right?
Someone once told me I shouldn't do that and I should look forward.
Yeah, true. But these are memories so precious that I want to remember them.
Argh, emo emo.

CJC rocks, people.
There is nowhere else I want to be.

Place everything into His hands.

reunion

2007-03-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

At Melissa's house now yo! ((:
Like finally, after how many thousand years.
Pearlyn just reached at 11.50pm. And she has been talking non stop since.
And now she's laughing to herself, going gaga over wu zun, like who the hell is he.
Before that Melissa and I were alone, she almost died from boredom;
watching me on the phone, talking online and getting pissed over idiotic people.
She almost killed me, seriously.
Haha. Off to play monopoly now, before I fall asleep and start sleep-scolding.
:D

heyy heyy

2007-03-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

Time passes so quickly. It's.. March already. JC life is really fun and all; the friends made, the laughter, the trips to town, and so much more. Wednesday onwards, it's once again with hand out-stretched, "Hi, what's your name?" . The thought of it is sickening as well as exciting, I guess. New faces all around me again, just when I'm beggining to familarise with the people around me.
No more pon-ing school and lectures, chilling at the Grandstand and trips to town will get lesser too.(Yes, it's getting pretty boring there anyway).
Time to move on, again.

I should stop talking like that, about a certain someone. It's getting me nowehere. So, people, stop talking to me like that too. It kinds of make me remain stagnant and start thinking about meaningless things again. Yes, no? I don't know.
Actually, I don't think so.

smiles

2007-03-02T11:05:00.000+08:00

in the guys toilet!
Granstand!

Xinru and I, hiding our fats!
yo, sup melody!

bing bang bong! (:
heyy heyy!
jump jump!

ponned lit lecture yo
:D

aha, off to town to meet ellice, bharathi, thrisna and rina!

I'll have a whooping time laughing like crazy.

Dreamgirls! (:

stereotyped

2007-02-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

Lauren demands I write another post on her so that she does not sound that much of an airhead.
Alright, so she can be Mrs Intellectual and stop trying to confuse me with her bombastic language.
Sorry if it's not really working eh, heh.
Once again she comes up with her own analysis on a new topic, lit students and about them being stereotyped.
Sorry, catch no ball! Haha.
:D

Hm, Melody's sick at home with eye infection.
I miss the girl.
Life will be so mundane without her if she successfully gets into Rj.
Ayye.

Long day today, I need some sleep.

birds

2007-02-26T23:08:00.000+08:00

Haha, before I exhaust myself out again, I better get some sleep.
Had a break last thursday and friday.
Stayed at home and slept 12 hours straight.
Father went down to the clinic and scolded my poor doctor for giving me too long a MC.
Ayye, anyhow.
Feel more enrgetic now.
Almost every week, someone will ask me why am I so busy.
And that I should quit my work.
Haha, I'm repeating myself over and over again until I'm making no sense to myself.
Xinru and Shengkai had a hard time trying to find time to do the econs project, ayye, sorry.
And finally Monday afternoon.

Monday afternoon, spent it at Xinru's doing econs project.
Bloody 4hours, and produced a THREE minutes movie clip.
5 more minutes to go.
Xinru's hilarious, seriously.
It's funny how we entertained each other while dying of boredom doing the project.
Cutting circles, right.

And then down to Park Mall for dinner with the cell.
Sharon's leaving Singapore again, so soon.
Hm.

Dear Lauren made the headlines again.
She was shrieking in the canteen and guess what it is all about.

: YILING! GET THOSE BIRDS AWAY!!
: Why? They are fine.
: NO! I HATE BIRDS!
: And why?
: BECAUSE THEY CHIRP!

LAUREN!!

realization

2007-02-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

It hit me during service.
Remained stagnated for too long.
Time to change.

lauren

2007-02-23T22:19:00.000+08:00

Haha, Lauren being Lauren.
Her trying so hard to analyse a certain person totally made me laughed my ass off.
Yeah, I'm the man!
Haha.

: I'm gonna read his blog now, Mr Intellectual.
: Go on.

1 minute later,

: He's darn freakin, I don't know!
: I seldom find myself at a loss of words!
: SO Wentworth miller.
: ?

Failed attepmt to get her point across.
Fancy using a character from prison break to explain something.

: He makes the simplest things sound so complex,
: If I needed 2 words to describe him, it'll DEF be intense and complex
: Why intense?
: I can't explain, it just strikes you.
: OKAY.

Continues exchanging lame comments, and
to me she says,

: Gosh, you sound like you're married, really.

LAUREN!!

grossed out

2007-02-22T14:58:00.000+08:00

I totally shouldn't have looked through my email.
I'm freaking grossed out by myself.
YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK!
How can I email him those kind of things?!
YUCK!
YILING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!

Maybe I was brain fried at that time too.
Oh yuck.

yes and amen

2007-02-22T11:10:00.000+08:00

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me

I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

(Whitney Houston - Greatest Love Of All)

Anyway, I'm brain fried.
Waited for one and a half hours for the doctor.
Apparently, he gave me MC for 2 days.
Of course I'm happy.
My mother made a big fuss out of it.
Hehe, who cares.
Okay, my throat hurt.

pictures

2007-02-17T23:29:00.000+08:00

my sitting part :D
What the! Mark!
Let me sleeeep, please!
Chen lao shi :\
woots! (:

Haha. Got this off Xinru's blog.
Look at Mark! Goodness!
Chen lao, I hate her lessons!
And now Melody and I have detention because of our lousy attitude towards her.
Haha. Anyhow, I want to pinch Xinya's cheeks!
:D

the best thing i've found

2007-02-16T22:23:00.000+08:00

I love! I love! I love!
Sudden desire to proclaim this.

Pearlyn! Melissa! Nat! Xinru!
You all know me better than anyone else yo.
Thank you for.. never giving up on me all these years!

Shirleen! Melody! Joanna! Penelope! Lauren! Randall! Xinya! Xinru! Mark! Nat!
(and everyone else in 1T05)
It's amazing to know you people!
Aww.

Esther Debra Leong!
I love talking to you girl.

I lub you all lots lots. (:

the sound of your name

2007-02-15T10:45:00.000+08:00

I miss vday in stnicks, the overflowing desks with flowers and chocolates.
I remember we hardly had space to even put our books for lessons.
The teacher will force us to pack up our presents, but in vain.
Everyone will be running around to give out our presents, and of course, free hugs for everyone.
The atmosphere was overwhelming, and hard to forget.
I miss, I miss.

Spent vday stoning in band, looking at the clock tick by.
Valerie could have killed me each time I announced the remaining time left to the end of band.
She's too nice, yes. (:
Band ended at 7, goodness.
Intended to go home, but somehow ended up at Hagen Daz. :D
I love that place I tell you. I love the people, I love the ice cream. (though Island Creamery's better)
Fancy going back to visit on VDAY, when everyone did not even have time to breathe.
I ended up helping out in my stnicks-cj uniform, free labour.
Heard people whispering my school, CJ.
There were a bunch of newbies there, only 2 senior members.
They almost went nuts. Water spilled, sugar syrup all over.
I don't remember me being so clumsy. (Haha, no offense)
Cabbed home with Don, Yihui and Ella at an unearthly hour of 12am.
Yes, I really love working there. Please don't make me quit.

The less influence you have over me, the better.
Just let everything fade away, and soon enough I won't even speak of your name.
And then everything about you won't matter anymore.
Do you even care?

AIYOH. Emo, emo.
Lit lecture next.

first day of the week

2007-02-12T22:52:00.000+08:00

Finally met up with Melissa and Pearlyn! :D
Towned abit and bought my pair of Vans and Pearlyn, her Palms.
Pearlyn insisted on talking about our future.
So we sat at Secret Recipe for the next hour or so. We'd somehow end up talking about our schools.
Melissa has her future planned our for her, secure, in a sense.
Pearlyn knows exactly what she wants to pursue in.
And me, have no inkling what I'm going to be in future, not even what I'm supposedly interested in. How bleak.

Okay, my head is so heavy I can't even think properly.
Sleep sleep.

recount

2007-02-11T11:46:00.000+08:00

So we got back our results! Everybody did so well!
I'm fine with my results though. I'm probably staying in CJ, the junior college Mr Wayne deemed as "Not Good". Whatever.
TanJingliang did 6 points! Woohoo! So proud of her man! (:

Before collecting our results, 1T05 went to Island creamery! (:
Both 1T05 and Island creamery rocks!
Mark says my face is going to expand at the rate I'm eating ice cream. Haha.

The class slacked the morning away. Played turth or dare.
And Floyd ate up the paper, Lauren laid in the middle of the quadrangle shouting "I'm dying!, Jasmine licked the table, Sk licked Jasmine's ear! (Ear! Goodness!), Ian proposed to the teacher, Xinru walked around with the dustbin cover on her head.. blah blah.
And wth, fancy talking about your sexual fantasy. Retarded.
Overall, it's really funny. Haha.

I'll miss 1T05! We'll probably end up in different classes with our different subject combinations! Ayye.

After results went to town with Belinda, Claire and Karina! I missed them so much yo.

Then off to work. There's this really cute little boy who came in with his grandparents.
He's only 5 or so. He ordered his ice cream, all of them the sorbets. Sour.
After getting his ice cream, he looked at me and said "hen3 suan1".
The grandparents started laughing. Haha.

After which, off to Ian's house. Actually spent the entire time around the neighbourhood instead of his house. Randall was doing totally lame shit stuff. I couldn't stop laughing.
We ate at coffee bean, and he got this really hard carrot cake. I ate my cheesecake real slowly he almost couldn't stand it.
And we walked around aimlessly and plucked off otter's heads, saying hi to some random aunty, sat at bus stops stoning an hour each time, then at a playground.. blah. Back at Ian's house at, everyone was inside Ian's room.
So we slept in the living room and Mark was breathing so loudly I could have stuffed tissue paper up his nose. I got so many bloody mosquito bites! And Randall slept on the floor.
And at 6am decided to go home.

Showed my father my results and he totally insulted me. Boo.
I'm satisfied with my results, Sir.
Stop telling me I'm a total failure cause I only got 4As and 5Bs. (Not as many As as he had)
And he freakin thinks that B is a FAIL. HELLO!?
And stop stop stop stop STOP telling me I've got no future.
And he totally told me that I wasted my As on useless subjects.
I'm proud of my As AND Bs, Mister.
"So, getting such disgusting results, will you be staying in your school?" Excuse me?
What the heck, fancy your own father telling you all of this.
So what am I supposed to do? Wallow in sorrow?
No, hell no.
I can't be bothered and I will NOT let anyone make me sad.
So this is where my rebellious streak comes in handy.

Slept until 230pm and off to church. Late.
Finally went for fellowship after like weeks. Fellowship felt so weird without Pohchoo, Sebas, Melissa, Xinru, Elaine and the rest!
At least Junsen and Esther totally talked the shit out of me. Lionel's still around too! Always talking about CJ and all.
Mr Wayne says I've got a "stiff neck". Okay.
I know that, but I can't help it yo.

Anyhow, to work again! [:
That about sums up Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

worth the wait

2007-02-08T21:56:00.000+08:00

Results out tomorrow! Which means no more chinese lessons! Melody and I ponned chi lesson today. It's 2 hours looking at the irritating teacher. I couldn't very much bear it, sorry. Next she will be telling us we are reatards again. Like what the heck. Don't care about her. Off to island cremary. (: The ice creams are half the price and even better than hagen daz's! Working at Hagen daz tomorrow! Cheers!

It will fade away soon enough I suppose. What am I hoping for? It's impossible? I'll remove you from my consciousness, slowly. You won't matter anymore, after some time, I guess. I don't need you to survive anyway. Are you worth the wait? Oho. WHATEVER.

/Though I couldn't and shouldn't, I walked a path towards you, a mistake I have fallen deeply into.

scream

2007-02-07T23:04:00.000+08:00

How do I emphasize the point that, I am tired? Physically, emotionally, spritually. I don't want to freakin care about anything at all. Can I? I lost my cool today over the phone. The worst part is, I was in school, in the bloody canteen, sitting alone at the table and I started yelling into the phone and started crying. Cheers. And my friends came over with tissue.

What the hell do all of you want me to do? I only got 24 hours a day to spare. And I need to do so MUCH things. This and that and this and that. Spare me! It's not very fun at all to reach home so late every single day, and there will the mother waiting to sing into my ear. I'm going bersek. And one fine day I reach home at 6 thinking, like finally I am home early. Only to realise after stoning for 5 minutes on the sofa that I have something to attend. Goodness. I'm feeling so tried everyday. Everything I do becomes so meaningless and I don't know why the hell am I doing all of this. This is really damn shit.

Yes, and I just realised that it is not that I'm afraid of Wayne, my leader. It's just that I'm afraid of the things he is going to tell me and want me to do.

Anyway, that's besides the point. I should be sleeping now instead of sitting in front of the computer typing all of this rubbish. I'm only venting my frustrations.

Never mind, at least 1T05 still makes my day everyday and I really enjoy working at hagen daz. Which reminds me! On monday! The manager told me I can learn to scoop ice creams. Coolness. It's super hilarious I tell you. The customer came in and ordered Macademia nut and Vanilla. And Don tells me to "slowly scoop". Thus, I began on the very difficult task to scoop Macademia nut ice cream. That ice cream is like a rock I tell you! Strawberry too! Never ever order that if you have a conscience. 10 minutes later, I'm still scooping Mac nut. The customer comes over and said, "Is there something wrong with my ice cream?" I almost wanted to laugh, seriously. I just looked at him and said sorry, please hold on. My right arm has muscle aches all over. I can't wait to go back to work.

Today's terrible! I woke up to find my left neck all stiff. I can't turn my head to the left at all. While talking to my friends, I had to like move my entire body to face them. And I had to run with the stiff neck! Haha. Ah well, it'll go away soon.

Okay, off to bed. No matter what, I'll still hold on. I'm finding back my first love, and of course, live out loud. Haha. I'll be alright. What a quick change in attitude eh. Ah well. Everything will be alright! (:

Live out loud

i am blessed

2007-02-04T01:11:00.000+08:00

LOVE LOVE! :D

I am the master of my unspoken words and the slave to those which should have remained unsaid.

I look at you and wonder, what it had been all about. What is there to hold on to?

You are simply, unreachable, untouchable.

Learning things the hard way.

Now I truely understand the meaning of "Let go, and let God".

And there she stands strong. (:

no, no one has the right to

2007-02-03T15:09:00.000+08:00

No one has the right to hurt me, no one. I detest the feeling of helplessness. Because it makes me weak. I detest having the desire of wanting someone to be there for me. Because there will be no one, no one. I stand strong. Because I have Yiling with me, and of course, God. There is no need to depend on anyone else. Yes.

And I will be alright, I always will be.
Because I am not alone.(Yes, I'm finally admitting this)

slacker

2007-02-01T10:39:00.000+08:00

Very good. I'm skipping this very boring Chinese lecture. It's a presentation on their expereince in China. And here I am in the library. Hooray, finally some internet access.

Recently, I've been entertaining the notion of skipping school. Ponning, as some may call it. Just because of BAND. Band. Freak. I don't see the point in blowing with all my might, making my lips expand like sausages. I don't see the point in sitting at the seat, listening to the conductor throw sacarstic remarks at the tuba section. I don't see the point in doing breathing exercises that make me giddy. I don't see the point in going for band! Especially when I can't contribute to the band in any way, since my attitude sucks like nobody's business. Band.

Someone tell me the difference between "can't" and "shouldn't". I woke up at 430 this morning thinking about it. I would very much like to live in the hope then knowing it's simply impossible. As Shirleen puts it, "Silently", till time do the job.

Ta-da. I'm alive and kicking.

damnation

2007-01-26T11:23:00.000+08:00

What the hell is wrong with people nowadays? Must there ill intentions behind every action? What do you want me to do? Explain to you what I really meant and that your judgement is wrong? Sorry, I've no energy to.

Band. I hate band. The thought of it makes me puke. I miss SNSB. I really don't understand those people who wants to join the CJC band. The conductor is one million times worse than Ms Sia. I feel totally away from the band. I don't feel part of the band. I want to go back to CANOE! Can you just let me go!!!!!! Whenever I'm in band, I've got this constipated feeling, pressing down on me, it feels like as if I can't breathe. I look at the notes, I just simply feel drained to play anything at all. I felt like escaping. I'm caught up in a cage.
Wednesday, band practice. I went. I freaking don't care how well I play the damn instrument anymore. I don't care. I don't care if the tuba section is the worst section ever. I don't care. I DON'T CARE!
During combined, I thought of what I could have been doing with my canoe friends, training, pushing each other on. Persevering. I started to tear. I know, I have to persevere in band too. I feel so alone there. Look at all the band enthusiasts blowing with all their might. I was one of them in SNSB. Things are so different.
And well, the damn conductor humiliated me in front of the whole band. He even asked me to keep my innocence and not to be so deceiving. Crazy moron. I smiply just stared at him. I had the good mind to stand up and leave. Since I'm so freaking useless, LET ME GO! LET ME GO!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Pe! We went up and down the grandstand 20 times! Insanity. We girls will have thunder thighs soon. :( After which, 2 rounds round the track. Half way through, leg cramp! Again! I grabbed my calf and sat on the track. Thank goodness ian and the pe teacher helped me stretch my calf. It sucks having leg cramps! The teacher asked me to drink a glass of water with salt every night before I sleep. Hm.

Well, on a better note, at least I really really really love my class, 1T05. Haha. I've not laughed so much since primary school. Hahaha. Balls, Century eggs. Goodness! Ha. All of you people just make my day, everyday. (:

laughing out loud

2007-01-22T17:58:00.000+08:00

School's fine. Seeing my classmates just makes me laugh. Ha. During pe, we were playing handball. Randall(as usual) and Mark, were simply hilarious.
Oh sheesh. I can start laughing here right in front of the computer.
They were so dramatic.
Xinya: Whenever I turn around, I see your mouth wide open.
Bharathi: You were laughing non-stop!
Okay, at least laughing makes me happy.

I'm a complete nut at comprehending poems, goodness. I fell asleep during chinese lesson and was half asleep during geog tutorial. Which reminds me, binomial theorem beckons.
I really thank God for placing friends who are ever so patient with me, in my life. Without them, my amaths and emaths in secondary school would have been a total failure. Now, Lauren patiently explains to me while I start scratching my head like crazy trying to solve the sum.
I can almost hear belinda snapping at me," YILING!!!!! Will you stop scratching!!!!!!" Followed by ling's laughter. Haha. Things that I miss.

Melissa! Pearlyn! My two dearies! Can we meet up please?
It has been ages since we spent quality time together! It has been ages since we sang at the top of our voices, crap for hours, had sleep-overs, played monopoly(heh), played mahjong...!
And of course, listen to my whinings! :D Hahaha.
Hm. We all seem so busy eh.

Cca! When will this dumb matter resolve? Like what wenrui said, we can't have our way all the time. Alright. Am I suppose to succumb to the fact that I have to stay in band and blow the tuba?
Anyhow, Olevel results coming out 5th Feb. Or so I heard.
I am worried. I am.

Never mind, keep laughing. It keeps me going.

jaded

2007-01-21T10:53:00.000+08:00

Hey my friends, I will be there whenever you need me. No matter how uncomfortable they make you feel.. I am still there, with you. I want to be there for you. Yes. Don't give up on them too.

-

Talk about being tired. Friday was the ultimate.
Mass pe in the morning. Ran 2.7km, did 60 push-ups("there is only one kind of push-ups, no girls push-ups!", the teacher yelled.), and I lost count of the crunches, sit-ups and jumping jacks. Thank goodness no burpies.
"Are you ready?" "Ever ready!"
"How are you feeling?" "Wonderful!"
"How many more?" "Many many more!"
The teacher made us shout that in unison, so many times. It sounds really funny thou, with all of us sounding like we're going to die any moment. Can't wait for cross country! Almost the entire class signed up for competitive running! which is 4km for girls or something and 5.2km for guys!
Canoe training! MacRitchie. Ran 5.2km. It really amuses me when we girls do pull-ups. hahahah. 2 others will hold us by our legs and push us up. Really felt like we were flying up and down while the guys were pulling with all their might. Hahaha.
Everyone got a chance to have a go at the canoe. We girls didn't capsize! It was really fun. Can't wait to do my one-star! That's if I got the chance. ahaha.
Was seriously drained of all my energy. Went for cell group. My eyes were half close. Couldn't think properly. My brain felt like it had stopped functioning.
Finally got home after like one million hours. I still remember vividly, my mother talking to me and I had to summon all my remaining strength to answer her. The feeling was so.. horrible. I really can't really remember what happened next. I found myself in my bed when I woke up at like 4am. My hp's still in my hand. I guess I sleep walked to my bed.
Talk about being tired.

-

She should seriously stop talking. She feels like she's losing herself. Does she matter to anyone?, she questioned herself. Did she keep trying to get into other people's lives, as if she was destined to be there? When reality sinks in, leaving behind, the cold hard truth. Not once but many a times, feeling all so alone. People leaving one by one, leaving her all alone. Logical reasonings, they do well. But sometimes, all she needs is the warmth and comfort the heart yearns for. How can she be a better person? Holding onto things once was, but never ever the same again. She cannot deny the thoughts going through her head, can she? By faith, she will step out of the person she had been, and remember the person she was meant to be. To the world, you may be just one person; but to her, you may be the world. Perhaps people have given the best of their hearts uncritically, to those who hardly think of them in return. She, does she matter to anyone? Can she hold on to those who matter to her? Can she? She agrees with her friend. The two saddest words are, "what if". Can she depend on him? Is it allowed? Can she hold his hand when she's tired? Can she? Will he be there when the world walks out on her? She's sick and tired of trying to get into other people's lives. It is always at these point of times she decides that there is no one, no one, worth her attention. She becomes self centered, rebellious, selfish, uncaring. Who will, who will love her, accept her the way she is. Admist the hustle and bustle of life, pay attention to her, lead her on. Look beyond what she's saying. Pay attention to what she did not say. Facade, facade. In the end, she will be alright. She always will be.

realism

2007-01-18T18:40:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's good to stay detached from reality. Then again, what's reality? I look at myself in the mirror, is the person in front of me, me? Somehow, it transforms sameness into unlikeness. It seems strange to be unable to comprehend the thoughts of the person standing in front of me. After all, it's supposed to be me. Test test. Test the boundaries of what is possible. Or.. impossible? Reality, more frightening and unknown.

Silence. Drained of energy to speak. Thoughts going through my head. And who will listen to me speak? Who will understand? What am I to do? Feeling so helpless. I look and wonder, yes, no?

Shall leave everything to Him.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts our fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been perfect in love. Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.

Yeah. No. "Yes, Brother." Sorry to go back on my words time and time again. Trying hard to be the person I am supposed to be, or maybe, the person I want to be. The big blue eyes of power and superiority. How do I dare to challenge? Forgive me.

/And when will you truely see?

Screwed

2007-01-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

How lucky can I get, seriously. I was at Thomson Plaza waiting for 855, and guess what. My tuba SL appears. Well, the point is I didn't go for band today. The bus is 1m away and I could have boarded the bus without having to greet her. Too bad the bus's slow. She smiles at me and waves at me. She's seriously good natured.

I really don't know what to say. The people in the band are really freaking nice. Especially the band major and my tuba sl. They have to tolerate all my nonsense, but still, they are so nice! I'd rather them get angry and kick me out of band.(which was my motive all along) I guess it's not working out very well. Tell me what am I supposed to do?! I don't want to stay in band!

Today's really a breather. I'll faint and die soon if this goes on. School, Cca, Work, Church. -standing ovation. Come on, there must be a way.

School, again

2007-01-12T14:25:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging from school!
Okay, there's free internet access in school.
Coolness.
hm. I'm beginning to love my class.
not bad after all eh.
1T05 (:
Reached school at like 6.50 to play for the commencement ceremony.
I was like a walking zombie. Didn't realise my surroundings were totally dark.
I just walked and walked to the band room. Reached the staircase leading to the band room, someone coughed, I heard footsteps. I couldn't see anyone!
Haha. I almost screamed before I see a figure emerging from who knows where.
no electricity. dots. it's just like the good old st nicks days.
Was sitting up there at the gallery, half the time I almost fell asleep.
Only Maths and Econs tutorial today!
Econs tutorial was crap, like again. Learned about the difference between scarcity and rarity by doing weird art & craft.
OH YES!
Highlight of the day: PATRICK
Our maths tutorial teacher called randall by his middle name.
I couldn't stop laughing after that.
I dont know why!
I laugh when I see him.
goodness. I'm acting like some serious insane nut.

hahaha. PATRICK. (:

Lauren is beside me and she's acting like some kuku.
haha. Lauren's a KUKU! d:

alright, shall go off before that kuku kills me.

School

2007-01-11T20:14:00.000+08:00

First day of lectures!
First lectrure of the day: Maths.
hm. it's alright.
Next up! GP.
The teacher was talking so faast!
I was scribbling like crazy.
Then.. LIT.
oh my goodness.
The lecturer's an ang moh.
He's so DRAMATIC.
He kept booming into the microphone, totally could not fall asleep.
"For poetry, you have to LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN!!!!!!!! So that you can experience the MUSIC and POWER of poetry."
He spent like 20 slides trying to tell us what other famous poets think poetry is all about.
"I think the explanation from such a famous and intellectual poet of the 18th century is rubbish."
Something about finding the right words. ayye.
Can't rememeber.
In the end he only approved of Paul Valery's explanation of poetry.
I still don't see the point he's trying to bring across.
Just that poetry is music. haha. whatever rubbish.
Econs lecture. The lecture place's like some old church setting.
Wooden benches and table. haha.
My class got totally distracted by Kenny and His Girlfriend.
oops. haha.
xinya asked:" so which stage are you two at now? stages 1 to 5"
and she went on to explain each stage. errr. wow.
All i can remember from econs is something about resources and needs.
ah well.
GEOG.
HAHA. the teacher's damn gay. couldn't stop laughing lah.
at the end of the lecture, the environmental society came in to promote their cca. haha.

Well, I'm fine with all my subjects. Thou i still don't get what econs is all about.
Today's a good day.
And I won't let anyone spoil it. (:

Wednesday, off to Ben & Jerry's with nat.
nice placee.
I love talking to that girl. (:
She never fails to make my day no matter how rotten I was feeling, which I was.
:(
My morning breakfast girl's a dear. :D
Maybe one day our perception of those disgusting monsters will change.
yes nat?
Haha. We'll always stand strong, cause they can't bring us down. (:

Hm. Are you going to quit on me now?
Haha. Sad to say, I don't want you out of my life.
You've gotten me through so far, please don't quit on me now!
Ah well, it's not like i've got a choice.
You're always off elsewhere.
I guess I can never be part of your life as much as I want to..
There's never space.
Oh well!
Just know that if you ever need me, I'll still be there. (:

All hail yiling, the survivor.
Heh.

/And tomorrow will always be a better day

Heartbreaker

2007-01-10T11:34:00.000+08:00

Don't we all want to feel needed and appreciated?
Or is it only me.
Is it a choice to let someone into your heart?
I'll never allow it if I could.
Maybe all I need is a fairytale.
And the happily ever after.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same again.

2007-01-07T10:30:00.000+08:00

I see you staring at me,
but you never truly see,

why I love you, oh, so much,
when you're so out of touch.

Feelings that we could have shared,
you flung behind without a care.

It seems so hard to let you go,
and the process is so slow.

I don't know whether I should stay,
and waste another day away.

I do know, though, that all this pain,
will soon drive me insane.

You don't feel me loving you,
and you just can't seem to get a clue.

You don't see me cry inside,
and in you I know I can't confide.

Yet still I find that you are blind,
to things meant to be kind.

You know nothing of my fears,
and are unaware of all my tears.

I know I really can't deny,
things I feel as I look you in the eye.

So who will help me make it through?
Who will tell me what to do?

How come every time I see your face,
for me there's never any space?

Maybe someday you'll see me differently,
so until then, I'll be waiting silently.

yes, nat?

Peace

2007-01-04T19:19:00.000+08:00

orientation today was much better.
enjoyed myself quite abit.
can't wait for tomorrow now.
it will be off to the old police academy getting all dirty in mud. (so i heard)
IG16 rocks! yeah!
which reminds me, my hand smells of soya sauce! ew.
mass dance.
i'd bet i look super retarded dancing.
but anyway, it's fun.
better than the st nicks family dance. duh uh.
haha.
i can't quit band.
shall make the best out of it.
this band guy came up to me at the bus stop and asked me if i'm the tubist.
questioned me for not going for band yesterday.
well well.
didn't know the band ppl can recognise me huh.
heard the conductor's not very happy with us, the appeal students.
whatever!
end of SYF, in May, i'll go all out to get out of the cca.
ladeedums.

i can't seem to control my temper recently.
peace peace.
i need to be at peace.
did really really bad things.
everything is coming back.
how i hate being at home and all.
totally have no patience at all.
hearing their voices just make me boil.
what's getting into me?!
i should just stay in my room and hibernate.

/And I can't tell you what it is but it's the best thing I found

2007-01-03T19:03:00.000+08:00

damn.
first day of school and i'm crying in the principal's office.
what a great way to start the new year.

why the hell was i so freakin stupid to tie myself down to BAND.
like hello, 4 years of band's not enough for me huh.
so now i'm supp to be reponsible for my reckless decision.
band practices on wed, fri, sat.
sat, it's from 9 to 3.
no lunch break.
HELLO.
i need energy to blow.
and what's wrong with them? can't they get a tuba stand for nuts sake!
my thighs hurt like mad. thanks huh.
what a great way to brighten up my jc life.
!)*^*%^$^&&^

i'd rather work until my O level results come out.
at the thought of BAND.
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

i don't want to go to school.
erh.
sorry man. i sound like a spoiled primary one kid.

2007-01-02T13:32:00.000+08:00

There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too dim;
But come what may, I'll simply trust
And leave it all to Him

2006-12-30T23:01:00.000+08:00

She didn't mean to bring it upon herself.
She really didn't mean to.

2006-12-28T20:00:00.000+08:00

Hearing those words, the heart ached even more.
One blow after another, collapsing on the sofa, unable to move.
The fingertips were numb, could not feel the toes.
Holding onto the cold hard object, the heart robbed of the warmth that gave it life.
Excruciating pain from the heart spreading through the veins.
So cold.
Blurry vision, almost stopped breathing.
Lying on the bed, tears, out of control, dampening the bedsheet.
Alone, feeling so alone.
Fell asleep, knowing the heart will be stronger than before.

A mistake from the beginning, the voice said.
Things were never meant to be, the voice whispered.
Sewing the heart shut, never ever again, the voice vowed.
The pain, supressed by inner vows made to protect the heart.

Cold, feeling so alone.
Hugging it tighter to feel warmth.
Never ever again.. the voice reminded..
And you don't even know how it hurts.

2006-12-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

again.
ouch.

2006-12-26T23:32:00.000+08:00

no.
let it be.
i can live with it.
what can i do?
hope for the extraordinary?

nah, get a life, yiling.

Unattainability

2006-12-25T23:48:00.000+08:00

buay ta han!
my head feels so heavy. i need to sleep but i cant! housework.
!!!!!!
no improvement in the situation thou my sister came back from camp eh.
instead, she bickers with me.

"can you please help tidy? the house looks like a pig sty."
"why should i. i didn't mess it up."
-standing ovation.
excuse me?!
she doesn't live in the house huh!
fancy saying such things.
sickening attitude.

let me reiterate, i am so not going to be a housewife.
the laundry's piling up agn.
hello!
when will it stop?!

okay, enough about housework.
CHRISTMAS! :D
went for 4 services!
the play's really good!
never ceased to laugh at the scene where the canto, jap and indian man meets king herold.
wahahha.
countdown to christmas at yulin's house!
hahahahahaha! FUN!
TABOOOOOO! (:
yap pow wee was reaaal funny.
hahaha. that bloke.
"ching ching!"
heh.
reached home at 245, slept at 3.
woke up at 630, to queue.
haha. while getting to the section before entering the hall, my slippers came off. not funny.
talking about slippers, i've had enough of heels for quite awhile.
-looks at nat. ha.
ah well.

one week of hols left.
and im still not working.
oh well.

eh eh.
you you you!
yay.
hehe. (:

Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart (:

Do you hear what I hear?

2006-12-21T21:15:00.000+08:00

I wonder how's my mother doing in myanmar. hmhm.
Thanks to her and my sister, i've to do ALL the housework, except cooking.
I'm so tired.
Now i know how my mother feels each time we mess up the house.
And the LAUNDRY. It seriously drives me crazy. and look at the weather! how the hell are the clothes gna dry?!
my father! gosh. talk about undergarments. ewww!
Call me a woman.
I'll NEVER be a housewife.
goodness gracious.
If i continue doing this everyday, i'll lose 10kg(i hope)
vaccuumed the entire house. the dust makes me go mad. my nose! if you know what i mean.
I almost went crazy seeing the kitchen so freakin oily after my sister cooked. i had to mop the entire house.
at least what she cooked's nice. OILY, yes.
i cant wait for my mother and sister to come back!
goodness.

i did sth very stupid.
why did i let her influence me?!
never mind, i wont make the same mistake again.
melissa reprimanded me. :(
way to go!

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!

All I want for christmas

2006-12-17T22:26:00.000+08:00

Disaster;
XINRU!
you know what was my audition piece?!
WASHINGTON POST.
damn it.
and you know what,
I COULDNT PLAY AT ALL.
AT ALL.
the entire first line, i couldnt play.
you know what i mean when i cant play.
i forgot all my fingerings! Dflat, Csharp.
bloody hell.
xinruuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's WASHINGTON POST!!!!!
the first song we learnt in sec1!!!!!!!!
AHHH!

okay, forget it.
it's over.
saw janice too. two of us there for audition
the pres said janice's good.
ayye.
lionel and jael brought us around the school on sat.
the track looks funny.
and this staircase where ppl do WRONG stuff.
haah.
retarded.

how did i spend my day today?
slept till 12, went online till two, slept till 6.
and am online until now.
my brain feels werid now..

A JOKE ACCORDING TO YUANRONG:
1 nite
lionel was sleeping in his room
wif the aircon on
den wayne went into the room
pulled down his blanket
on the light
THE LAST PART
IS THE FUNNY PART¥
alrite den aft that
lionel pushed wayne out of his room
den he realized"ahh gor gor took the remote control
for the air con
so he went down and knocked on wayne's door
den wayne keep saying
give me ice cream first
so aft 15 mins lionel decided to take ice cream for wayne
den when he went into the kitchen
THE REMOTE CONTROL WAS INSIDE

haha.
that's our dear cell group leader, wayne and his brother for you.
yuanrong told yeeli and i to entertain us, and well, himself.
funny arh.

my mother's leaving for a mission trip in myanmar (is that how you spell the place?) for 10 days
haha. and my second sister's going for a camp. for five days
i can imagine the house becoming a pig sty
hmhm.
sat's nearing!
haah. dont get me wrong, it's christmas service!
dan, mieoteng, and prob zob and her friends are coming.
coolness.

there, my beautiful prince from france

2006-12-14T20:27:00.001+08:00

Help me, Lord, to place my worries
At your feet in prayer,
Then to trust Your love and goodness
As I leave them there.

one by one, they slip away

2006-12-13T01:20:00.000+08:00

i'm backk. from msia, KL.
i must say this's the best holiday i ever had.
not that it's fantastic. but as compared to the previous few trips i had, this's not bad.
went with a family from my old church(orchard presbyterian).

come to think of it, i kind of miss the place.
after all, i've been there since i was a baby.
my friends there have alr re-dedicated.
me?
just starting out on a new journey.
have i made the right choice?
i really wonder.
yes yes, i know i know, i shouldn't be thinking like that alr.

no matter what, i really do miss the happenings there.
i was part of them.
no matter how you deny it, i was part of them.
i don't feel the same way now, at this new place.
i don't, i really don't.
there's just this something missing.

every sunday, without fail 1030, we'll have to leave the house for sunday school.
we'll be seated according to out age.
this group of us, we've been tgt since our mothers brought us into 幼儿班.
even if we didn't talk, we've been seeing each other for most of our lives.
praise and worship starts.
then mundane sunday school classes.
joyce and sharon, we'll never fail to make the classes interesting.
5 minutes before lessons end, we'll be looking at our watches, ready to rush down to the canteen to get our 2 dollars packet of food.
off for choir practice!
uncle peter and aunty mary (:
and then, 团契!
sec1 and 2! went crazy over this guy. the things i do.
joyce and sharon will tell you how stupid i was.
well, they joined in too. hahaha.
every year, there'll be caroling!
there's this one year, we went to the house of this manager of a bank.
coolness. the house's just HUGE. with 5 sitting rooms, blah. and that's just the first floor.
our pastors wear robes, and us choir ppl, have our 'robes' too.
ah yes, i miss wearing it! and we'll all help each other zip up the loong zip at the back.

i miss my friends.
aha. which reminds me, high time i should go back to visit.
who knows. i might just end up staying there.
then again, i can't deny the fact that i grow more spritually in my new place.
but.. like what someone said.. "i'm sick of putting on a mask and pretending i'm really happy."
i'd once thought the place is simple, ppl full of love for one another.
but no. it's not like that.
it's, complicated.
i don't want to go into that world.
it's, sickening.
i don't like it.
it's all over, once again like the way the band is constructed.
politics? is it this word?
at least i've 3 ppl whom i can trust in there.
well, they made the place more bearable.
but.. it's not the ppl i'm going there for!
why should i be living up to their expectations?
why?
WHY?
seriously, i feel fake sometimes.
how to be true to yourself and live up to you ppl's expectations at the same time?!
both are going in different directions!
damn.
anyone understand what i'm trying to say?
the entire purpose in doing all these things are getting so damn wrong.
so very wrong.
oh heck.
close an eye, i shall.

ah yes.
my KL trip.
guess whose family i went with?
the guy i crushed in sec1.
haha.
looking at him now, i wonder what got over me.
i finally talked to him, normally, with eye contact after like 2-3 years.
nice smile, he has.
nice to talk to too.
aha. had fun there la.
sunway lagoon, the water park, went on to these 2 rides like so many times. and stood under the bucket screaming waiting for the water to land on you.
got closer to my sisters too.
ahha.
wonder when will i get to talk to him again.

ayye. yes. one by one, they slip away.
looking back, a joke, it would all be.
just let it be, let it fade away.
yeah, that's what i'm doing.
there's simply nothing i can expect out of it. yes?
sigh.
dear you.
what's wrong with me?
hm.
good question.

forget it, go to sleep, yiling.

2006-12-07T23:53:00.000+08:00

I'm contradicting myself.
Damn it.
I'm freaking irritated.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Come on, slap me.
xinru, melissa, you're allowed to slap me.
I can't stand it anymore.
Never mind, I'll have time to think over it.
IRRITATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MELISSA LIM! CAN YOU HURRY UP COME BACK AT YELL AT ME?!

my 2 sisters are being very retarded getting all excited over SUPERSTAR.
like, hello?!
the youngest one is dancing in front of the tv while the other one is screaming at her to get lost.

ARGH. DAMN IT.
YES OR NO?!

Things no more

2006-12-05T21:36:00.000+08:00

you;
w the piece of sky i see in your eyes,
the colour of sunlight in your smile
& the simplicity of your perfection,
you make me love loving again (:

/ when times're hard n you feel down..
noe il be dere. il be ard. if you need smone..
jus knock on mie door. den mayb you wun feel sad anymre (:
-hugsyou.

+if uve spent too many nites on ur own.
wan a hand to hold
keep ur eyes to e sky..
cos il always be nearby
pull you thru e pain
n keep you frm e rain. love! (:

+ whtevr you do, always believe in urself..
bt evn if you dun, il be here to believe in you,
for you n w you..
-huggs- (: smile!

2006-12-03T10:39:00.000+08:00

yada.
my throat's hurting and it itches.
yes? no? yes. no.
oh whatever. it doesn't matter.
i have to leave the house now.
but nobody's at home! i want to stay at home!
i want that.
but no, i can't have it. too bad.
hello, look here.
oh i forgot, you've only got a pair of eyes.
tada.
but it isn't fixed anywhere.

melissa's flying, 4th.
yiling's leaving, 9th.
oh shit! melissa! nat how?
ohyes, dear xinru. you better do it, or i'll kill you.
mr ho, 11th. two weeks.
wah. what if i die of stress in spore. no one to keep me calm.
duh, i'll survive.
with yet-to-meet new friend, ms black&white. wahahaha.
ERPS.

I NEED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!
sorry people, late.
poof.

291106; The Final goodbye

2006-11-30T08:59:00.000+08:00

First up, prom night would not have been possible without melissa and pearlyn. so.. many many thanks.
But still, I would not have regreted not going. It's so meaningless..
Walking in heels is tiring! and I spent half an hour trying to get in my contacts. haha.
hm. I can't remember anything else. except the disgusting chicken with so much garlic, and the delicious cheesecake.
and goodness, we paid 70 bucks for it?! it's so not worth it?
oh! everyone really looked so gorgeous! ahaha.

Myra, Pearlyn's friend really got me laughing. I was in their hotel room. All of us are almost ready to report at the convention hall, done with all our make up and hair-do blah. Myra looks into the mirror and says: "Oh my Goodness! I look like a transvestite!"
HAHAHAHA. Everyone agreed. My goodness. Have not laughed so hard for some time.

What will I remember of St Nicholas Girls' School?
The amazing vice principal; Mrs Goh
The wonderfuuul teachers; Ms Poore! Mr Gan! 王老师! Ms Tan Shu-wei! Mrs Brenda Tan! Mr Foo! Mrs Doris Tan!
The food; Orange bowl, Blue bowl, Toasts, Meatballs, Mushroom rice, etc.

AND OF COURSE,
THE FRIENDS.
Strange enough, the closest and bestest friends I've found over the years never came from my own class. I seemed to be detached from my classes since Sec1.

BAND. (:
The highlight of my Secondary School life. I'll never forget the times we slogged hard together. ah, SYF.
"Band No. 148, CHIJ St Nicholas Girls' School..."
We held each others hands, xinru was crying madlymadlymadly beside me. we held our breaths as we await the final deciding word..
"GOLD"
We screamed, we cried, we hugged each other tightly.
The MC had to say, " St Nicks, be careful not to topple over."
Even our seniors were happy for us.
No one, No one, except the bandits will ever understand the joy we shared.
Remember how our conductor walked out on us? The numerous self-pracs we went? The countless band practices we had to play till our limbs went weak?

AH. I'm getting really excited as I'm typing this.
SNSB, the love of my life.
Memories, I'll keep them dearly.

Xinru, ah. She is the person whom I've gone through hell lot with her. HELL LOADS. I can't think of another person who comes close to xinru. I'm so glad I know her. Learnt SO MUCH from her. I seriously don't know what will I have become without her. The thing I remember clearly, us standing across the table, eyes locked in each other's. SILENCE. The entire band staring at us. 正点! Our juniors were so frightened that they started crying. Recalling, how did we get through all those things?
Sec2, almost after school everyday we went shopping for POP presents. Spending a bomb. haha. XINRU! remember I spent SIXTY BUCKS on PAN? ah wells.
The good times were good, the bad times were.. REALLY BAD. Still, we managed to pull through. aha. xinru. (:

YES! my friends from ART CLASS. DAN and WANXIN.
hahaha. Oh how they had to bear with my non-stop complaints about art.
ta-da. Still, they never gave up on me. Mr Foo tooo. The trip to the zoo, and this funny creature jumped over my head and I ended up sitting on the ground. ha.

My tuition friends. How we always waited waited waited and waited for dear Mr Ho to come to teach us. haha. and janice and ru will start dancing right in the middle of the classroom. and janice and michelle will start singing at the top of their voices. jialun and lorraine, I still can hear their voices ringing in my head, talking about JCs. ah yes, and how Mr Ho will always say doing the arts is the worst thing ever. haha. wells. Mr Ho's the most tolerant teacher ever, I must say. Janice! rememeber curry puffs? haha.

Ah yes, one memorable time in Sec2, 2wisdom. wahaha. jialun! remember Lsquare? zixin, trouble? ru, banana? kahying, dinosaur? JIALUN! LING! I CAN'T REMEMBER YOURS!

Not forgetting dear old xiangli. Classmates for 4 years. We never really got close arh? She never fails to amaze me with her positive attitude and of course, her totally-kerazeee character. Sec1, she teased me non stop for the funny action I did in the begginning of the year. Sec2, how she went through my toughest time with me. Santha, remeber? That was totally hell. Even the discipline mistress had to meet my mother. ta-da. That was how screwed the entire incident was. Santha's big bulging eyes. grr. Xiangli ah, thanks for standing up for me. Sec3, sitting parts. (: Sec4, hm. We finally got about to giving each other birthday presents. :D

Lastly, MELISSA and PEARLYN, they are the bestest friends I've ever made in my 16 years of life. No words can describe how much I love you two. AHHHH. I love you two so much, I feel like hugging you two now. I really thank God for putting you two in my life. You two are just amazing amazing amazing. What can I say? No matter how horrible I was, you two didn't push me away. No matter how unreasonable I was, you two listened. No matter how crazy I was, you two laughed. No matter how whiney I was, you two put up with it. No matter how ungrateful I was, you two continued to care for me.
When I was lonely, you two have the amazing power to make me feel blessed again. pearlyn and melissa. :D
The endless sleepovers, mahjong, etcetc.
How we squeezed in a single bed, when melissa had not changed her bed. haha. our legs were beside melissa's face. How I sleep-talked, scolding you two while you two were playing monopoly. After which, walking up super early trying to wake you two up to play with me. We always sleep in this order, melissa at the edge, pearlyn in the middle and me, beside the wall.
Haha. My nose will never come back I know, it is always on my face.
You two gave me the best birthday ever this year. No matter how much 'thank yous' I say will ever express the gratitude within me. No matter how much 'I love yous' will ever express how much I treasure and love both of you. Both of you, I really love you alot alot.

I can't wait for JC. What lies ahead, I can't wait to find out.
To all my friends, thank you for all the memories throughout this four years! TOAST!

2006-11-28T11:04:00.000+08:00

Time and time again the people closest to you, your family members, prove to you that you cannot depend on them.
Yet again, the world outside, your friends will too prove to you that you cannot depend on them as well. Or rather, there's a limit to it.
Stepping aside, looking at the whole big picture, once again you'll realise that it is you and you alone.

It's the me , myself and I that I've got. No one else.

2006-11-24T14:17:00.002+08:00

I conclude that doing housework's worse than a 2.4km run.